Braynews

11 weeks old!

2007-08-07T22:46:00.000Z

I know that I have had a break from blogging for a bit but guess who has clipped my wings?!! Fortunately, Naomi sleeps through the night so I feel that I have a bit more time and sanity(!!) to blog again. On the whole, things are settling down which is very welcome. Naomi is able to smile more now but it's not guaranteed just look at the photo! She was lying on the bed watching our ceiling fan.

So much has happened since my last blog, Naomi has had her jabs and has been to 4 Mother & Toddler groups and I have changed countless nappies!!! Naomi is meeting many people and seems not to have a care in the world - yay! What's more, the crying seems to be contained (at last!) and sleep is no longer a luxury.

Whilst it has been wonderful getting to know Naomi there have been times tinged with sadness at the memory that Daniel only came home at 11 weeks. There is a sense of loss for that time that we didn't spend with him particularly when time was so short. I guess you could say that some wounds are not as well healed as I am now in environments which are more likely to trigger memories. This has come as a bit of a surprise but that said we are able to enjoy Naomi and celebrate her uniqueness. We also know her better than we did Daniel at this age. She also gets spoiled and not by us, I might add...

We have sent Naomi's passport off and hope to take her to France with us as soon as we can.

Smiling here but I can't remember what triggered this.

Just a quick update to stop the blogging nagging...

20 days old!!

2007-06-10T23:09:00.000Z

My favourite photo of Naomi so far - looking angelic... Now there are two sides to Naomi's personality the one you see here and the one where she exercises her lungs from around 6:30 to 11:30 pm!! Someone kindly pointed out to me today that I would have more energy to deal with this if I was a younger Mum. So I would - but hey, can't change that...

We are all getting to know one another as a family and it does take time. I just wish children were like photocopying machines which come up with a little error message and you refer to the manual and then are able to decipher the error code.

Kevin and I took Naomi to have her birth registered on Thursday. The last time that we went to the Register Office together was to register Daniel's death so this time it was a celebration. We were going to get her portrait professionally done but she just slept and we didn't feel we would "capture" her personality on film at this stage.

Apart from the "wah wahs" lasting approximately 5 hours each night, Naomi has also learned to suck her thumb - bless. Fortunately, for us she does sleep up to a 5 - 6 hour stretch so we do get some sleep at night but unfortunately her little body clock is out slightly.

She has been to church and Asda sleeping through both. I had to laugh as the other day we met up with 6 other children and she slept through that too... however, when I want her to sleep Naomi is at her most rebellious. In personnel speak, I probably would have started her on the disciplinary process (a written warning at the very least!)

We are seeing the Health Visitor tomorrow and that should be the last professional visitor that we see at home. This too is such a change compared to Daniel who had 15 people in his entourage. It feels kind of surreal, really. Where has all the time gone? Will blog when Naomi resumes her "angel" like character again.

It's a girl!!

2007-05-26T23:42:00.000Z

I know many of you will know by now, but I haven't had the chance to proudly tell the world that Naomi Ruth was born on Tuesday, 22nd of May at 00:15 a.m. weighing 8 lb 1 oz. After all the poking and prodding she finally came on her due date...

I am thrilled to tell you that both she and I are fine. The labour was quick as we only ended up in labour ward for 3 hours 15 mins (compared to Daniel 3 hrs 21 mns...) There were a number of what I call false starts but I decided to stand up and 45 minutes later Naomi was born!! Apart from the induction everything else was natural so no C-section and no stitches.

Thanks to all of you for your prayers and best wishes which have helped to carry us through these days.

Although less than a week old, Naomi is showing diva type characteristics and like her parents seems to know her own mind. She is strawberry blonde and has long legs (ok not from my gene pool!)

We have been home from hospital for a day and so far it has been ok. Kevin goes back to work on Tuesday so I intend to try and get in some semblance of order before seeing many people.

Just a couple of piccies... Naomi and I scrubbed up after the exertions of labour and a picture of her today relaxing at home.

Bags of personality...

2007-05-16T10:34:00.000Z

Well, it's been 10 days since I last blogged and I had really hoped that by now I could proudly announce details of Beanie's birth. Beanie on the other hand has other ideas... Despite going into St John's last week to be induced nothing happened!! Well, not quite nothing, I was prodded and poked and one day went from the Ante-natal unit to Labour Ward to the Post Labour Ward all without giving birth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can see the funny side but it is an experience that I wouldn't choose to repeat again as you don't get any sleep and very little food in hospital. The bad news is that I am going to have to do it all over again next week. I shall be readmitted on Monday, 21st May to go through the entire process again. Whilst this hardly fills me with joy I know that God's timing is perfect and that has helped me deal with these hellish few days. My last night at the hospital I was surrounded by women who had all given birth. One of these only just made it to the labour ward in time, I thought I was going to have a ringside seat.

The most positive news is that both Beanie and I are fine. Beanie is approximately 8 lb 3 ozs this week so at least I know that I am not going to have the biggest baby in the world...

I am too big to drive so I shall be resting at home or walking/waddling around Great Baddow when the sun comes out. I do feel happier that I have a brief reprieve but really would hope that Beanie would be enticed to come out to play of his/her own accord. I am going to be eating curries, walking for Britain, eating copious amounts of fruit and any other good old wives' tales which encourage labour. Yes, I am really getting that desperate...

No matter what the sex of this baby is, s/he will be called Mary (Mary quite contrary).

Please pray that I have this baby soon because if induction fails I will then have to have a C-Section with all the health and practical implications that this entails.

Not long now.

The countdown begins...

2007-05-05T05:27:00.000Z

Well, today there are only 5 days to go until I go into hospital to have Beanie. Scary!! It hardly seems possible that it is nearly that time already.

It's been a bit of a strange week as on Thursday, 3rd May, Kevin and I spent time remembering Daniel as it was the second anniversary of his death. One of those days where you know it is going to be pretty awful but are glad to get out the way, nonetheless. In some ways two years isn't a long time in others it feels like it has dragged. How do you move on from such a life changing event? Somehow you do. Kevin and I do look back with fond memories and joy in the delight of our little boy but the obvious sadness never leaves you. It has been of comfort to us that people remember him and it has given us the opportunity to share happier moments of our lives with him.

That was the week just gone, the week ahead is going to be all about Beanie. This is quite an emotional adjustment. We are blessed to be having another child, something that we don't take lightly at all (those of you that see me know that there is nothing light about me just at the moment...) Whilst we are not overflowing with excitement at this stage, we can look forward to the future with hope. By this time next week, the waiting will be over and our baby born. Who knows when I will get the chance to blog after that.

Thanks for all your encouragement and prayers as we become parents again. This can be the most gentle of touches particularly when we are bruised.

I've got a date!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-04-26T22:51:00.000Z

Just a quick update following my visit to the consultant yesterday. I am going to be admitted to St John's on 10th May (just a mere two weeks away now...) to be induced so Beanie should follow shortly. It can apparently take 2 days for induction to work so I can't say exactly when Beanie will arrive. It all seems to have happened so very quickly and I have to say that I am enjoying my time out from work. Part of me just wants it all to happen now because I've run out of patience (no surprise there!) The other part is writing/rewriting birth plans and just generally making sure everything is ready.

I don't know what size the baby is likely to be but my Consultant has said that I'm not going to give birth to a whale (encouraging really!)

It is good to have a date to work towards rather than thinking when am I going to go into labour? Last time, I wasn't too sure so sent Kevin off to work (where he couldn't be contacted) and he managed to get to the hospital some 20 minutes before Daniel's arrival. A bit of a close call. This time around there is likely to be a lot of waiting around and inactivity before Beanie makes his/her appearance.

It's all rather exciting but I can't help feeling that I've forgotten something!

Maternity Leave - day 10

2007-04-23T23:37:00.000Z

Well, it's going very, very quickly. So far I have been to St John's hospital 4 times (twice more this week) and am scrambling around to get everything ready for when Beanie arrives. In between times I have met up with a number of friends, tried to tidy and clean the house as well as rest up. It's odd to think that I've got only 2 weeks to go now.

The gestational diabetes looks like it is settling down but every so often throws a bit of a curved ball. It looks like I won't be needing insulin which is a real blessing but being on a diet, I do feel that I'm missing out...

I am not sleeping at the moment so, this means that most days I am washed out and just moving from A - B takes a lot of effort. That said, I try to do some exercise most days. However, I don't think that I will be able to continue with my ante-natal exercises after this weekend as it is getting just that bit too difficult now... Today I went to St Johns for relaxation classes to help you during the latter stages of pregnancy and during labour. We had to go round and introduce ourselves saying whether this was our first pregnancy. I decided to fast forward this bit for obvious reasons.

On Wednesday, I go to see the Consultant to discuss whether the plan is still to bring my due date forward by 2 weeks. If so, I think I'll be given a date!! When I last spoke to him the plan was to be induced and I would prefer that to a C Section. Will let you know how I get on.

Maternity leave - day one!

2007-04-10T23:24:00.000Z

I am overjoyed that I am at last on maternity leave. When I said goodbye to my colleagues at work last Thursday, I just felt a huge weight drop off me as now I can concentrate on Beanie. I can also have a sneaky cat nap in the afternoons...

I took delivery of the nursery furniture today which meant an early start (the delivery could have come as early as 7 am...) so no chance of a lie in!! The delivery didn't come until after 11 after which time I was desperate to get out and enjoy the sunshine. Apart from a brief detour to Asda I met up with a friend and we enjoyed tea in the afternoon at Hylands park. Very civilised and relaxing.

I am pleased to say that my blood sugar levels seem to be more in control within the range (apart from today when I had a toasted teacake!!) Things look like they could be settling down and I shall be going to the diabetic clinic on Friday. Tomorrow, I'm having a scan to see how Beanie is getting on as well as having a Consultant and then midwife's appointment. Unfortunately, all these appointments remind me of how life was with Daniel. As the birth gets closer I seem to miss him more so the preparations for Beanie's birth are a little complex you could say.

I am still going to my heffalumps club (exercise for both ante and post natal) on a weekly basis and have started to make new friends. At the moment, I am the heaviest so I hide (!) at the back but really enjoy the opportunity to exercise with others in a light hearted environment.

Thank you for your prayers they have been much valued and appreciated. I'll post more about Beanie when I'm a bit clearer about what is likely to happen.

A lot can happen in a week...

2007-04-01T17:35:00.000Z

Following on from my last post, I spent a lot of time at St John's last week as I have now been diagnosed with gestational diabetes :-(

No creme eggs for me... Seriously, this is a bit of a setback and I'll need to monitor my diet and blood sugar levels. It has been quite difficult to come to terms with because I had an easy pregnancy and labour with Daniel so this time it has come as a bit of a shock. That said, it means that everyone is going to keep a close eye on both the baby and me which has to be a good thing. This diabetes was also picked up at just the right time (I haven't had it for long so it's unlikely that it will have done any damage to either me or Beanie). I am having a scan a week after Easter when I am finally on maternity leave. There is a very small chance that Beanie could be affected and even though the likelihood is remote, I do feel unnerved by this at times.

The other significant thing is that I'm now likely to have the baby 2 weeks early (around 8th May compared to 22nd). Daniel died on 3rd 2 years ago. This has all happened rather fast so hopefully I'll still have the chance to put my feet up before Beanie arrives.

Only 4 more days at work now - am training my temporary Successor 3 days this week and going to the diabetic clinic on the 4th.

When I have spoken to people about my tests and the results I have been amazed by the range of replies. There have been "pull yourself together" comments as well as those who have listened and gently given me the space to express my deepest concerns. All I can say is that I'm glad we're all different...

I am trusting God with the weeks and months ahead, and take comfort from God giving me the strength for each day.

Today

2007-03-26T22:52:00.000Z

I am now 32 weeks pregant with only 8 more to go!! This morning I had to be at St John's for a blood test at 9 am. That wouldn't have been too bad if I hadn't had to fast for 12 hours beforehand... I then had to drink a syrupy glucose drink and have my blood taken 2 hours later which meant that I was in the blood department for 2.5 hours (what a waste of a glorious sunny morning, but then so would work have been!) I then did a bit of consultant spotting (and recognised at least 3 from when we visited with Daniel). On days like today it doesn't feel right even doing something mundane without him as I automatically associate him with St Johns.

I am due to see a Consultant on Wednesday (the same one that carried out my Amnio) to discuss my blood test results. I haven't exactly responded well to this latest development because, well, I can't quite define it but it's a bit scary. I'm thankful that I haven't got long to wait but part of me is not going to settle down until I know what needs to happen (if anything). I could well be overreacting.

When I went to Church last night I must have looked like a crazed woman as I was downing soft drinks as if I was trying to beat the world record. I probably looked a real sight to behold and then drove like a maniac to ensure I could eat something before my 9 pm curfew!

After my blood tests today I didn't go into work although I was going to it was just that I felt so weak afterwards that I thought driving to Witham would hardly be in anyone's best interests. I felt decidedly wobbly and weak. Although I feel rested now after eating for two adults in 2 hours... I need to finish my job in 8 days before going on maternity leave. It all feels rather weird. Part of me finds it hard to accept that in the past year I have taken on a new job as well as the countdown to being a new Mum again. These are huge adjustments. Daniel is never very far away, always beneath the service, but ultimately I get enormous comfort from knowing where he is playing.

Another 4 weeks!!

2007-03-14T23:50:00.000Z

Somehow, I've allowed another 4 weeks to pass by without blogging. Not intentional, I just seem to be submerged in life... Since I last blogged, we have been to see Lenny Henry, Lee Hurst and Colin Dexter, and I have gone to 4 ante-natal exercise classes. We have also managed to indulge in our last "pre-Beanie" holiday. We had a lovely quiet week in France but I was very tired. One day all I could manage was to go out for a cake! Well, I suppose that if that didn't motivate me then nothing was going to. We had a lovely week where the weather was extremely mild. Both of us chilled out and ate out every night (I put on 7 lbs in 7 days)...

I have also aged another year and cannot believe that this time last year I was on my sabbatical without a job to go to. Amazing what a difference a year can make.

I go on maternity leave in 4 weeks!! Immediately after Easter. So being the structured person I am, will have been with my employer's a year to the day that I go on maternity leave (how's that for neatness...) As I am growing nicely, sometimes fitting behind the steering wheel is a challenge, and being tired I know that I shall enjoy my time out.

I am beginning to panic now about when Beanie arrives with only 10 weeks to go. I think for such a long time, we took things at a steady pace but now can't leave things any longer before getting prepared. We are going to spruce up what was Daniel's room. It is very hard at times even though we know that we have got a positive future to look forward to. It is a strange kind of feeling really. The second anniversary of Daniel's death is coming up at the beginning of May. In some ways, it hardly seems possible and feels a long way off, in terms of feelings, they may be dormant but they are still there. Hard to describe really. It feels kind of weird that Daniel is going to have a new little brother or sister but they will never meet on this earth.

Kevin and I have decided on names and have so far changed our mind three times... We never did that with Daniel. Despite all the chaos surrounding his birth it was quite a comfort to be able to do one thing as planned.

Anyway, that's it for now, will blog before my maternity leave ends, honest!

:-)

Beanie's doing well

2007-02-14T23:20:00.000Z

I am really pleased to be able to tell you that Beanie is 26 weeks and everything is going well. Thanks for all your prayers and texts it has been so very encouraging to know that so many people have been thinking of us. When we went for the scan last week it was a good feeling when no abnormalities were detected. That is really very good news. The trouble is neither Kevin and I can really get excited about this. Doesn't that sound awful. Well, we also were told with Daniel that he didn't have cause for concern when there was a hole in his heart which wasn't picked up. Unfortunately, equipment is not guaranteed so there is always a chance. I think that you can say that nothing is really straightforward...

I apologise for not blogging I was just too tired and couldn't believe that over 4 weeks has gone past - a record... I will try harder, honest. I had also converted Daniel's room into a craft room, which had to be restored to a room that would be suitable to house Beanie. No mean achievement it took me at least 3 weekends to get some semblance of order.

In the last couple of weeks I have joined an antenatal exercise class for a few weeks. It is really quite good fun although I am puffing away at the very end. One of the challenges was to find a pair of jogging pants that were the right length. Even petite ones are too long.. Anyway, at the class I bumped into someone that I know, someone who goes to my church and lives nearby so I felt hugely encouraged. Being pregnant this time round is not straightforward by any means. I completely fudged the "is this your first baby" question because I just couldn't answer it and I am inconsistent with my answers because no matter how prepared I am for such a question it still manages to catch me off guard. That said I am just going to stick at it and people will have to make up their own minds about what to make of me.

I was chatting to someone at work the other day who is about 4 weeks behind me. We were talking weight gain and I was very smug saying I had put on 9 lbs to her 2.5 stone UNTIL she told me how much she weighs now and I'm at least 2 stone heavier than that!! So the person that laughs last really does laugh the longest...

I'm losing it!!

2007-01-08T15:20:00.000Z

It's official, I am losing my ability to remember things... I have got into a bit of a muddle with dates and today is NOT the day for my 20 week scan :-( fortunately, just before dashing off to St John's at 8 this morning I thought I'd just double check. The actual appointment was supposed to be going on 18th January but Kevin couldn't make it so now it's 3 pm on 5th February. Come hell or high water, we'll be there. To say that I'm disappointed is an understatement but it just goes to show that pregnancy does make your mind go to mush (funnily enough I can't remember that happening with Daniel, that came later!) Still, at least I'll be 24 weeks so Beanie will be that much bigger. I have put on 2 lbs in weight since the beginning of my pregnancy, which can't be bad (the fact that I'm at least 3 stone overweight before being pregnant is neither here nor there...)

Additionally, I am charging(?!!) off to Scotland tomorrow for a meeting on Wednesday so my brain really doesn't know where it belongs. It's not clear at this stage whether the funeral will take place on Friday or be postponed until next week and if so I'll be heading East. Too much is happening for my tired little head to take it all in...

On Saturday, Kevin and I went buggy hunting as we were allegedly near a store with plenty of choice and keenly priced. When it was slashing down with rain we were driving round in ever decreasing mud logged circles and had to retire to a local pub for lunch (as you do!) Suitably refreshed we decided to have another attempt at locating this store and whilst we were successful (it had only taken 3 hours - including lunch and 2 phone calls!!) it didn't have what we were looking for after that. The moral of the story is to take Tim (my satnav companion) with me wherever we go... If only I could get satnav for my intelligence - you are here and need to turn here so that you can reach your destination.

The year ahead...

2007-01-03T14:17:00.000Z

Happy New Year to everyone!

This year starts on an exciting note as we are thrilled that Beanie seems to be thriving well and I'm now 19 weeks pregnant (I look like a Christmas pudding with legs...) Kevin and I are going for our 20 week scan on Monday, 8th January. This will show if there are any likely anatomical problems and we can get to see how much s/he has grown. Trust me, a lot, as my feet are in a permanent shadow. We also get another scan photo to add to the growing collection.

One of the more difficult things to come to terms with is loss. Unfortunately, we were given the tragic news that my Sister's boyfriend had only a year to live before Christmas, the reality proved to be much shorter as Daryl passed away on 27th December (a mere 19 days after diagnosis). My niece and nephew thought of him like a Dad and my Sister is overwhelmed by the intensity of grief. At this stage, there are complications so we don't know when the funeral is likely to be and it is a very testing time. To me, Daryl was like a brother and it is hard to think that he will never get to know Beanie. Our family has a big gap in it. I have found it difficult to blog recently because I couldn't air what was happening as it was too painful and I would have been far too depressing to read...

For those of you that I see this means that I will be spending more time in Norfolk at weekends so I won't get the chance for a natter at least it will give your ears a bit of a break.

Thanks to all of you who have listened, comforted and rejoiced with us in 2006. It does make a huge difference.

Yippeeeee!!!!!!!!

2006-12-22T00:04:00.000Z

Well, it is said that a picture says a thousand words...

After making three phone calls, going through two hankies and generally getting very dramatic I was given the news that the tests for the amniocentisus detected no chromozonal abnormalities... We are thrilled to think that we have jumped this hurdle (or Beanie has!) It is a huge comfort to know that Beanie will not have to face the same challenges as Daniel did. That said, it does not change the way we felt or feel about our little smiler. We do feel very blessed not to have to deal with the same issues as Daniel and I like to think that he is sitting beaming away knowing that his little brother or sister looks healthy.

I could have chosen to find out whether Beanie is a girl or boy but despite wavering longer than I do when choosing sweets in a sweetshop, I felt that I would stick to my original decision not to know. Being healthy is the most important thing that we could wish for our child.

Thanks for all the emails, texts and phone calls, not to mention the prayers. It has been a hugely difficult time and I feel that a weight has been lifted. I have my 20 week scan on 8th January which will look at any physical irregularities and after this I think that I might learn to relax a little.

Things are improving at work too...

Wishing each and every one of you every blessing at Christmas.

No News

2006-12-20T23:38:00.000Z

The news is there is no news... Two weeks exactly to the day, I still don't know my amnio results. I was expecting them within 2 weeks by phone so there' s no excuse for the Christmas post! I was told today that I am too patient!!!! Those of you that know me will appreciate this is a huge stretch of the imagination. :-) Anyway, who knows now whether we will have this news by Christmas and I just don't think I can face yet another Christmas of putting a brave face on. The last 4 Christmases have been hugely difficult we actually wanted to be able to relax and not be weighted down this time. So you can see that I'm struggling a bit. To cap it all, I am having the week from hell with stressful work situations and I feel like a petulant child wanting to shout STOP THE WORLD I WANT TO GET OFF!!

Still on a different note, I am still lighter (marginally) than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy and I'm now 18 weeks. Don't know how that's happened really as I've been having a bit of a craving for.... Creme Eggs. Well, I like them at the best of times and now I just can't enough of them (I ate 3 in one day!!) As I'm working in between Christmas and New Year (3 days) someone even bought me one for each day I was working (more like one an hour...)

In case, I don't blog before Christmas, Happy Christmas to everyone and every blessing for the year ahead.

:-)

Sarah

Update

2006-12-10T01:26:00.000Z

Thanks to everyone who prayed for the amnio on Wednesday. Sorry, that I haven't blogged since I really didn't have the energy. The amnio itself is actually a painless procedure (yes, a routine blood test is more painful!!). However, I have had some abdominal pain so didn't go into work on the Wednesday or Thursday. I just rested up at home, getting the most exercise from picking up the TV remote control...

It was a light hearted atmosphere when the amnio was being done (in total there were 7 of us in the room!) We were given a couple more scan photos of Beanie who really has grown since the last one over 3 weeks ago.

Now that the amnio is done, all I have to do is wait and pray. I have a huge sense of peace about the procedure and will just leave the results in God's hands.

Beanie Bray

2006-12-03T17:34:00.000Z

Well, this is the scan picture at 13 weeks as promised... Rather than refer to our new baby as an"it" we chose the name Beanie.

Since going public on the blog and generally spreading the news, there has been a variety of responses to our news. Some sharing our joy, others are at best unhelpful and not printable!! It reminded me of how things were with Daniel as everyone always had a comment and would let you hear it whether it was constructive or not... Having said that, many many people prayed for us (and still do) so we are hugely grateful that people remember us and reach out to us in this way.

Kevin and I are pretty measured about our news. It is early days and our excitement is also tempered with some anxiety. Will the baby be ok? I am having an amniocentisus (excuse spelling!) on Wednesday. This will definitively tell us whether Beanie will have Downs Syndrome or not. The total results are normally available within 2 weeks. The nearer we get to Wednesday, the edgier I become. Still we will know the outcome before Christmas.

Irrespective of these results this is a little child who will receive (and probably give) much love. With Daniel, whilst he was more complicated than most children it really was a blessing to have him. We just feel that we would like to be prepared this time.

I'll let you know how we get on. For those of you who don't know, I am pretty squeamish so the actual amnio procedure itself fills me with terror (I don't do needles...) It only lasts 10 minutes or so, and then I need to "rest up" for the rest of the day, possibly the next couple of days depending on how I'm feeling. I should be able to sneak to the keyboard and blog though... I could also eat chocolate. At the moment, I am lighter than I was at the beginning of my pregnancy although you could say that I am turning into a bit of a Creme Egg (not just because they reach the parts!!)

Daniel's Birthday

2006-11-18T06:40:00.000Z

Yesterday, 17th November would have been Daniel's 3rd birthday. Sometimes it feels as though decades have passed and other times it feels a week ago. On key dates you never know how you are going to feel and it can vary minute by minute... I shed some tears and also was glad that I'd had such a special boy. I was surprised at how many people remembered. We were really touched at the number of cards and texts. Both Little Haven hospice and the Community Nurses sent us cards which really touched us.

Look at the photo - this is how Daniel was at home. His smile could blow a hole in the ozone layer all by itself!!

Kevin and I both went to work yesterday but had to spend the afternoon at St John's hospital. Another emotive place as it is where Daniel was born and died. At exactly the same time as Daniel was born three years ago I was having a scan. This was a bit much for me and it was an emotionally charged experience. However, Daniel is going to have a little brother or sister!! I am 13.5 weeks pregnant (due date 22nd May). Apart from the ongoing delights of morning sickness (still happens at 11 pm!!) we are doing well. I'll keep you posted on progress and will post pictures of "Beanie" Bray later on.

I would never have believed 18 months ago that I would be a Mum again. I have prayed about this and that if it is God's will that we would be parents again. God answered that prayer very quickly...

Whilst Kevin and I are thrilled, "Beanie" will never be able to take Daniel's place. It is also going to be a time of mixed emotions. Erm, how do you answer, is this your first baby type questions...

Thanks for all your prayers. Can I have volunteers for babysitting duty!!

Bible Cafe and other stuff

2006-10-23T15:05:00.000Z

Since I have been back from holiday all my days seem to roll into one :-( and I am doing a great headless chicken impersonation. Kevin's Mum has had hip surgery and is doing well having just been discharged from hospital and staying with her Daughter. At 87 she is likely to pick up a speeding ticket using her sticks. It is amazing and awesome to see just how well she has recovered.

I have been to Bible Cafe twice now and I can honestly say that they have been interesting and thought provoking evenings. Pat's session last week, apart from showing us her varied shoe collection (loved the bling ones especially!!) has had me thinking ever since... We all carried out a ministry questionnaire with 133 questions (I found it easier to do the what flower are you?) Since losing Daniel sometimes it's hard to know where or how to serve so I found it really challenging. We also had some interesting debates on our table. One of which was about how people with Downs Syndrome can still serve God within their own limitations. I didn't start that one either but totally endorse it!! I forget that many people no longer associate me with having a special interest in these matters and sometimes it comes as a shock.

On a separate note, I have some difficult decisions to make in the next few weeks but cannot comment on them at this time. Your prayers would be valued. I also have some health issues which stopped me coming to church this week and I feel deprived. Still, going on Wednesday to Bible Cafe all being well.

Have a good week.

What have I been up to?

2006-10-09T22:15:00.000Z

I know it's really remiss of me - nearly three weeks without a blog. It has been really hard to cram everything in lately. We have been exceptionally fortunate to have gone on holiday to New England just as the leaves were changing and got back on Saturday. We both had a fab time, even if I have had enough junk food to last me a lifetime. My pictures never seem to do the scenery any justice but some of the views were amazing.

I thought that I would be able to blog when I was away but couldn't remember my password (I'll take it with me next time...) I did read other blogs but also couldn't comment so when I have recovered from the washing and ironing I'll blog with more depth.

It's ok being back.

The sands of time...

2006-09-13T22:32:00.000Z

I seem to be rushing around trying to cram far too much into the 24 hours that we have that sleeping could quite often be an optional extra (I'm a bit of a bed baby though...)

We have been so busy that nearly every evening and weekend has been taken up and I have run out of power!! A couple of weekends ago we went to a wedding in Eastbourne. Timing was quite a key point when by the beginning of the service one of the readers hadn't arrived as both him and his wife was stuck in traffic. There were a number of us that prayed and a stand in was quickly found. However, with about 3 minutes to go the original reader turns up and reads the passage as cool as a cucumber. Why is it when we pray we sometimes get surprised when God answers?

The wedding day progressed and it was one of those occasions where everyone enjoyed themselves and God was at the focus of everything. The bride had been part of the congregation since she was 2 and many church members had helped out on the day including the farmer that donated one of his lambs for the wedding breakfast!

My second skin (my raspberry/cherry suit) didn't cut off the circulation and I could even smile!

I knew the groom from my old church and it was a bit like church reunion for a number of us. In some ways this was difficult as I hadn't seen some of these people since either Daniel's death or his memorial service. With all the emotion, it wouldn't take much to make me bring the water shortage to an end all on my own... Maybe I need to get my eyelashes tinted for the next one!

We have a completely different wedding this weekend which is closer to home, the church in my parish.

It's all go...

The Cat's out of the bag...

2006-08-23T22:27:00.000Z

I would consider myself an open person but everyone has something that they don't feel ready to share with others. When I started my new job I thought that this would be a new beginning for me and in many ways it has been... Cue the BUT!! I have not made it public knowledge about Daniel, in fact the only two people I have told I work directly with and you may recall that the topic came up at interview (it wasn't me either!!) So I felt that I needed things to be put into perspective but really didn't want to dwell on it. It's not that I don't want to talk about Daniel, it's just that for me to cope with life without him I have to live it as if he isn't here. I get enormous comfort about sharing my memories with people who knew him or those I choose to reveal him to. Unfortunately, someone I know told someone at work about Daniel and I feel wounded by that. The person concerned was not malicious but probably hadn't considered things from my perspective. It's not that I feel angry or betrayed just vulnerable. People never look at me in the same way again... Ordinarily, when people find out about my circumstances they normally want to make everything alright (normally for themselves) or alternatively they give me advice on how to manage the situation (without having gone through it themselves). I find this tough so I don't volunteer information because it only opens up the wounds and catches me off guard.

I know that I talk about Daniel on my blog but that's slightly different as the likelihood of anyone reading it who works with me is remote.

Talking about revealing things, I was bemused to read in one of my professional journals today how blogging needs to be included in Company policy. Companies are encouraged to include blogging in the IT and email policies as indiscreet revelations can be seen as misconduct and could be gross misconduct (depends on what was said... ) Some of you may have caught the site"La petite Anglaise" where the writer was fired as her employers felt that she had described staff and situations which could be identified and which weren't appropriate. With a background in Personnel I am silent on work issues as things on the blog are then in the public domain. As the writer is taking her employers to a tribunal, it will be interesting to see how this situation develops.

Oh, and I went to the Waterfront (a swanky restaurant)this evening for an awards evening and the dress stayed the course!!

Decisions, decisions...

2006-08-20T22:56:00.000Z

Well, it's been a busy couple of weeks... I have been under severe pressure, not least to find a suitable wedding outfit. We are going to two weddings (like buses more than one comes along at a time!) No matter what I tried on it was either, made for models who couldn't sit down or breathe out which I didn't think was a good look for the photos, ridiculously expensive or made me look middle aged. Yesterday, I took a friend's advice and bleary eyed ventured to Bluewater at 8:30 am but had to go to Thurrock later on to finish off the outfit. I've opted for a 3/4 sleeved cherry coloured suit with a cream top. Previously I had also been to Oxford Street, Chelmsford and Freeport all in my quest to get something that is suitable for the occasion. Feeling relieved that I have finally managed to get something that "will do"I'm now panicking as I am going to a hen night where the theme is feathers!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have visions of me turning up with a duster, boa and indian headdress. One of the other tricky issues is that we will meet up with people who will want to know how we are getting on since the last time we've seen them. In some cases this will be Daniel's service so there's no easy way of dealing with anything that comes up. I have made sure I'll be wearing the waterproof mascara...

On a separate issue, I have ancient eyeballs, it's true!! I have to go to Broomfield this Thursday to have a photo of them taken (they are deteriorating without affecting my sight) but normally they would appear on a person 60 -80 years old!! I always knew that I'm mature but didn't appreciate just how antique parts of me are... Unfortunately, I have to have drops put in which dilate the pupils and don't wear off for 4 - 8 hours. I can't see to read, drive or really put one foot in front of another so it means I have to take a day off work. Not easy as I don't have any holiday to take and as part of my new role I manage absence issues and it would appear my own too. Gulp!

I have now been in my new job 4 months. Sometimes I find it hard that I'm working as part of me feels that this was not how it was supposed to be particularly in times of conflict. Still, this week I get to have dinner at the Waterfront. The only problem is that I won't be able to eat anything until the weddings are over as if I sneeze my new outfit will self-destruct.

Guess who?

2006-08-04T23:26:00.000Z

Recognise him? Grumpy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs. Look very closely, can you spot something? Well, I must admit that lately, he and I seem to have our personalities intertwined... I have never been a fan of confrontation, but at the moment, there seems to be a lot of it about!! I am facing some steep challenges in a number of different areas, professionally, personally and with family too. One of the things I find oh, so difficult, is putting back the pieces of the jigsaw of life. It was a huge adjustment when I became a Mum, harder still dealing with the trauma of illness and finally coming to terms with tragedy. I am struggling to re-invent myself as it were and all the confrontational issues seem to suck away any strength I have. I am going through a painful stage right now and whilst I'm not giving up, I don't think that I'm being that gracious about it either. Very hard to get the balance right. So, since my last blog I think it fair to say that I have been doing a fair bit of navel gazing, well, I would have been if I just could locate it...

On another note, I have upgraded the car and now have a "silver bullet" which helps me deal with the wonderful A12 each morning. It's still a skoda but with a bit more va va voom. We have sold my old car to a woman who has a disabled son...

Like many others I am finding it difficult to find the time to blog (and also the inclination at times) particularly when things are challenging. I am so grateful to the many of you who encourage me and it makes me smile and lifts me. Thank you!

Yipee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2006-07-10T23:19:00.000Z

Well, today I have been in my new job a whole 3 months... In some ways it feels like no time at all, but in many others I feel like I have always been there. Anyway, I have passed my probation, which has to be a good thing. Some of you may know that I had a bit of a bumpy ride to the start of my new job but things have dramatically improved and I have been thrilled that I can use my background and experience. Without going into details some of this has been particularly unique.

Yay!

Oh, yes, meant to blog about this before, but I have recently been welcomed into church membership publically. I had meant to do this during the 40 days of purpose study, last year but somehow managed to get sidetracked. I am thrilled that I have been able to publically declare my commitment to Elim and how God wishes to use me there. This is all very exciting.

Feeling laid back...

2006-06-26T20:47:00.000Z

We've just got back from a week's holiday in France and have had a thoroughly fantastic time. Piccies will follow... Neither of us had realised how tired we both were so both of us have come back having recharged our batteries.

I was thrilled because I was able to get my watch fixed that I had bought earlier in the year and which went dormant on me after just one wearing... Apparently, there is no language barrier to being a grumpy old woman. My language skills are improving. Yipee!

Malheuresement, I weighed myself when I got back and I have put on 7lbs in a week. For that I should have been able to gorge myself absolutely silly - but I didn't honest... The diet starts tomorrow again.

On a happier note, when I got back I had confirmation that I have had my professional Personnel status reinstated. I am thrilled, I had to work quite hard to prove it so I didn't take it for granted. I don't think that I will go back to the level of responsibility I have previously enjoyed (?!) but I am glad to work where I can build on my background and experience. It's all part and parcel of a level of normality.

And the icing on the cake is the tennis. Or it would be if rain hadn't stopped play. Things are looking up...

Rudolph, a bird and lame excuses...

2006-06-12T22:34:00.000Z

Well, time has really evaporated since I last blogged. I am full of a cold today - hence Rudloph. I was optimistic that it was hay fever and went to buy a 15 minute cure, the woman behind the counter laughed when I asked for it, but 13 hours later there has been no respite. Feeling that I couldn't really do much I was a bit bemused when Kevin said to me earlier about there being something in the conservatory. It was a rather unhappy trapped bird and I have no idea how long it had been trying to make its exit. So Kevin had to coax it to go outside without it leaving its mark everywhere... Apparently it took more than one attemp to release it back into the wild. Once Kevin had managed this, the stupid bird flew back into the conservatory again - honestly. I thought goldfish have small brains.

I haven't really been around as such as I have been trying to reinstate my professional qualifications. I know I like writing but I have found it really hard as I've had to try and prove that I've got what it takes to be a professional personnel person. I have had to draw upon any recent experiences as part of a personal development plan. The great thing is that my employers have made some contribution to this so now I just wait and see whether I developed in my time out. Given the works of fiction that I have carefully crafted professionally, I have had no inclination to write blog.

Good luck to all the "Race for Life" girls. Sorry that I'm not really around to cheer you on.

It's been a funny old week...

2006-06-02T23:54:00.000Z

I haven't really got into this week, wot with no church, a Bank Holiday and on Thursday I had a day out sick from work. So I've been feeling drained but a little lighter (work it out dont' want to give you TMI -too much information...) On Thursday afternoon I felt a bit brighter but still without energy so I did a bit of a silly thing really. I seem to have got sucked into the crafty thing making a few cards and preparing to do my Daniel scrapbook. Well, I decided to look at some cards to give me inspiration and I hit upon looking at the birth cards for ideas for the scrapbook. I know it wasn't a wise move, because inevitably it did upset me, BUT going through each card reminded me of the love and support we received as a family particularly from the church. So whilst it was a painful experience, if I hadn't done it I would not have received the blessing. I guess this is all part of the bigger picture.

On Wednesday, I started to talk to a work colleague about Daniel. There are only 2 people who know. Somehow she made a comment which lead onto me giving her the edited highlights (or should I say lowlights). I only spoke for a couple of minutes and didn't bog her down with detail. Unfortunately, I cannot share the better bits about Daniel without giving the context in which things happened. One of the things that I find hardest to adjust to is that people who meet me now don't have any understanding of who I was before, that I am a Mum and all that that means to me. In some ways, I don't want them to get to know me other than superficially but it means that there is something missing (actually someone) and I just can't talk about it because there is no relevance to the present or future. It's a bit strange really. It's not a gripe, just an acceptance of the gap between myself and others. It makes me think, who else feels like this too, about other things? So you can see, a funny old week, really...

The wall...

2006-05-29T22:06:00.000Z

Is it just me or do other people find that they hit the equivalent of the wall in life? The place where Athlete's find that their body seems to be shutting down. I know that I'm no athlete (nobody has to tell me, I've worked it out...) but I feel that I have hit many emotional walls so to speak. I have most definitely hit a blogging and writing wall. My vocabulary and inspiration seem to have taken leave of absence.

We have had a busy weekend. Friday night we went to see the Da Vinci Code. It was showing in two cinemas in Chelmsford. The film itself lasted nearly 3 hours (so I had hit my concentration wall by then...) This contraversial film is on the whole pretty watchable as it is a thriller but it does not prove that Christianity is a fallacy. The Tom Hanks character has an ambivalent attitude to faith in that when he had a crisis (he fell into a well when he was a young lad and nearly drowned) he prayed to Christ and was saved. However, he spent the rest of his life not having any faith so it didn't inspire him to continue his journey on the road to Faith. The plot is pretty complex but this film should only be viewed as an entire work of fiction. At certain points in the film I prayed for the audience... It is also quite violent for a 12A there is a mad monk on the loose. It made for an interesting conversation in our house.

We had friends over on Saturday who arrived half an hour early. That wouldn't have been so bad if Kevin hadn't have been out and I was looking like Waynetta Slob's double!! In the morning I also went shopping and bumped into one of the Community Nurses. I must be making progress as the last time I saw her it upset me so much I had to finish my shopping!! On Sunday I couldn't go to the 11:15 service as my Mum came to visit. I always feel when I miss church that I am missing out... and I felt pretty restless as it was the Church weekend away. A sort of empty feeling really.

Count your blessings...

2006-05-23T22:33:00.001Z

Yesterday I went to St John's again. I absolutely loathe the place as there are far too many memories, some of the staff used to think that I worked there... The icing on the cake was when I saw a little boy who used to be in one of Daniel's little classes and that was very hard to stomach.

Later on I had a chat with a friend and after we had finished chatting (admittedly it was quite some time later...) I began to think about God answering prayer. In the space of less than 5 minutes I could recall how God has answered prayer since the beginning of the year and in no particular order: my new job, Helen's new job, Penster's new job, a friend's flat, babies being born, healing, seemingly impossible fractured relations restored... I began to think of all the times that I had prayed about something or for someone and how often God listens and always answers. I feel really encouraged. As bloggers we have encouraged one another by reaching out and sharing a part of ourselves with others, praying, celebrating and supporting one another. At the evening service on Sunday, our Pastor was talking about snails (amongst other things!) He was making the point that do snails know the trail that they leave behind them? We may not see the trail that we leave behind but others do and it can make a huge difference. I do feel blessed to be part of such a community and to those who send their comments.

It's all a bit beige...

2006-05-17T21:03:00.000Z

I think you can say that I am officially treading water at the moment. Really pleased that we have passed our year anniversary of everything now so thanks to everyone for their love and prayers. At the moment, everything seems so lacklustre but there were times in life where I would have craved for a little bit of normality and less "pace". With excitement normally comes the inevitable highs and lows that a change of tempo generates. So, in some ways I am quite pleased that I am able to plod along so to speak, but in others I feel a little unfulfilled. It's not that I haven't got things to do, I have, it's just motivating myself to make the most of the available time. I find this a huge adjustment as I used to have to do so much that any time I had to myself was to recover from the exhaustion.

Working life is ok. I have the luxury of having a lunch hour (I know that it's early days) but I thought these were extinct!! Most days it takes me around 20 mins to get home so I can be back at home before 5:30 pm on a good day. This too is a luxury but I feel displaced and haven't quite yet settled down.

On Saturday, Kevin and I had friends over and I cooked a 3 course meal. It is the first time that I have properly(!!) cooked in over 2 years - don't you feel sorry for long suffering, Kevin? Anyway, it was great to meet up with friends, put the world to rights and I was pleased that my culinary skills haven't totally rusted away.

On Sunday, I went on a scrapbooking course with the aim of sorting my Daniel photos into a folder. It was fun and I came away with a feeling of achievement. Now, it's no secret that my manual dexterity is a little lacking. I would always come last in things like the generation game and the krypton factor. Years ago I used to be an adult helper at Brownies and I can honestly say that they had better craft skills than I did!! Worse still, some of them noticed... Anyway, the art of scrapbooking, presenting your photos with different hand crafted templates looks addictive. I will tell the Daniel story through words when things are less painful but it has been the photos that I just needed to collate. So I have my first project now and who knows I might just find my creative side.

Watch this space.

Under the duvet!

2006-05-11T23:22:00.000Z

You get the picture this is how I feel - under the duvet...

Surprisingly enough it has been a bit of a difficult week and tomorrow (Friday) looks tricky too. For reasons that I can't go into, Fridays lately have been very hard but tomorrow will be a real test of character (as if it hasn't had much testing lately!!) Last year Daniel's service was on 13th May which was a Friday and I know that I will think back to that day. Can you believe this but I didn't shed a tear at either service, not out of numbness but a sense that once I got started I might stop church taking place on Sunday because "weeping in progress" would not be able to be cut short! As so many of you know, I have wept many a time since and know that this is part of the healing process.

In some ways, I am trying to get along with life but there are times when I don't seem to have the reserves of energy, intelligence, attitude or whatever it seems to take. Take today, for instance. I had to go to Stansted as I went to a course at one of the big hotels. Now trusty Tim got me to Stansted but it was very stressful finding the hotel and even more stressful finding a car parking space but I got the last one :-) Before I left this morning I actually felt sick as it felt like a challenge too far... To cap it all when I returned back to work everyone else was out of the office as they were celebrating a key birthday for one employee. It was so eerie not having anyone else around and I felt totally isolated for a couple of hours.

Now to add to my list of woes, every Friday is dress down day. To put it bluntly it is Sarah clothing crisis day, where all my "casual" clothes are tried on before being tossed on the bed for being too tight, too scruffy, wrong neckline, it'll split if I sit down in it... Does anyone else find that to look casual they spend more time than it takes to look smart?

I have also dyed my hair but despite leaving it on for an hour ( I was desperate for a new look) my locks have acquired an insipid looking beige tint. This unfortunately, seems to have spread to the rest of my life.

Oh, well, it's nearly the weekend...

Memorial Service

2006-05-07T17:17:00.000Z

Just a quick post to update everyone of how things are going. Yesterday a friend and I went to a memorial service held at Little Haven hospice. We were encouraged to bring a flower along which would represent our child. Tricky choice, eh? What do you come up with? The idea is that all the flowers are arranged together and you can see the uniqueness. Well, I had a bit of a think on this one, what would Daniel be? Sounds like the sort of question that you might have got on Blind Date!! Anyway, I chose a sunflower for two reasons; the first being that Daniel's smile was pretty impressive and the second that a sunflower is the emblem for hospices. When I took along my flower a number of the staff commented on how "Daniel" it was. You might know in the arrangement the Sunflower was a little eyecatching which in itself was fitting. We then all released a balloon later on. It was a time that was good for reflection and the eyelash tint held up well... It was also a time when I could see staff. One of the hardest things is that you build up intense relationships with people and these too come to an end suddenly. I was really touched as two members of the Team Daniel (there was 15 in total) contacted us on Daniel's anniversary during the week.

This next week is also going to be difficult as it leads up to when we held Daniel's own memorial service. So I cannot wait until it is all over. Kevin and I went out for a meal on the anniversary of Daniel's death and we were both grateful for all the love, prayers, and support that we received during that time.

A year on...

2006-05-02T22:21:00.000Z

This is one of my favourite photos. It was taken at Little Haven Hospice when Daniel was being entertained by a guitarist and we were all giving the Late Pope a bit of a send off!

A year has now passed since I last cradled Daniel in my arms. It is too painful sometimes and now is one of those times. Kevin and I went to a memorial service at a church near to Great Ormond Street on Saturday for newly bereaved parents( although some have been coming for many years!) It was a very emotional time and Kevin described me as a "flood risk!" We have some difficult memories of GOSH so it was hard enough anyway. The service was good but it was wall to wall with parents weeping for their lost children. Heartbreaking! There was a role call of each deceased child and a candle was lit in their memory. We have an entry in the memorial book for Daniel there and we saw this. It is so hard to see the date of death in print. I didn't know how I would react but felt that I wanted an opportunity to just remember his life. People who meet me now, just don't know about my background which is good and healthy but sometimes I want to talk to everyone about how special and unique Daniel was but it just isn't appropriate.

I have decided that I would get my eyelashes tinted as I knew we were entering a time of weeping so I didn't want to completely look smudged all the time. I now have the confidence not to look like a Panda if I get caught out unawares. It is holding its own...

On Saturday, this week one of my friends and I are going to Little Haven for a memorial service. This is also an annual event.

On the anniversary itself both Kevin and I will be at work - just to keep occupied. Today, I managed to have a little scratch in my car. Nothing serious, just shows that I'm a bit of a stresshead at the moment.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying, emailing, texting, phoning and sending cards. It is really appreciated. Thanks fellow bloggers xx

In the midst of chaos...

2006-04-22T00:02:00.000Z

It's been a bit of a funny week really. I have been in my new job a total of 8 days and feel that I am have taken in so much information that my head will honestly burst!! I just feel over the past couple of weeks with the Bank Holiday as well, that I am always rushing around and am never still. It's also the age that we live in. Well, today I had a lovely surprise. I have found a green area (can't call it a park) but it does have a river and plenty of ducks. So lunchtime today I was watching all the ducks coming into land. It was so peaceful and I honestly felt relaxed. The birds were tweeting, and I felt a million miles away from Witham Railway station which is immediately in front of the Malting plant. I was even more surprised that when leaving the greenery area and walking up the road that I saw two bunnies hopping along without a care in the world. I really felt that they taught me a thing or two today. I sometimes think that the busyness of life can really distract us to the point that we can't focus on anything unless it's fast. It's almost like we are speedreading life and keep missing the detail out as we are just going too fast.

Later on tonight I went to the gym and spent an hour there. The guy giving me my induction kept saying how I shouldn't overdo it (as if I need telling!) So I felt really virtuous that I had done my exercise for the week except that I needed a creme egg to keep me going when I got home... Oh well.

Not a lot to say really...

2006-04-19T17:53:00.000Z

This is where I work!! It is a malting plant in Witham, finding it even seemed to elude my faithful friend, Tim, my Sat Nav persona. Anyway, tomorrow, I get to have a site visit but it is something to do with barley being used in whisky and beer. You can't see the offices from this picture so I don't have to work out on site, fortunately!

I am just getting used to the work thing...Trying to get into a routine, so I know when I am coming and going.

On a separate note, I am now published!! I have completed a book review for May's edition of Woman Alive. I know it's a small step but everyone has got to start somewhere and it is an encouragement.

That's all for now...

God is good all the time...

2006-04-10T23:25:00.000Z

Well, what can I say. On Friday night I had both arms up behind my back and went very grudgingly to see Daniel O'Donnell (left) at the Ipswich Regent. Kevin's Mum is an avid fan so we all spent three hours listening to him in concert, which felt longer than it took!! I found it a little emotional when he sang "Danny Boy"and "How Great Thou Art" and they were the best bits... Still, Kevin's Mum had a whale of a time which made it worthwhile. Now, I think that God has got a sense of humour. We often talk about no experience is wasted and I got a reminder of this when I went to the church open day on Saturday. I was talking to someone who came along to the church and guess where they had been the night before too!! I didn't really have anything in common with that person that I was chatting to, but finding out that we were at the same concert helped break the ice. I had to tread gently because they were a fan and I didn't want to hurt their feelings...

Today, Monday, I started my new job. I am really touched by all the prayers, cards, emails, phone calls and texts wishing me well. This is a new era for me personally so I am so thankful for everyone's love at this time. The new job is all that I expected it to be. I think that I will enjoy it there. The people are friendly and I cannot see that it is going to be in the same stress league as many of the jobs I have previously held. The previous post holder left in September and it was felt that they could do without a replacement but in the end they realised that they couldn't manage. So I am not even following anyone, so there's no pressure to live up/down to someone else's achievements. My role is Personnel Administrator (read Office Junior...) in Witham. The journey is ok (it took me 15 mins to get home!!) At a different time in my life I would have been bored by the lack of depth to the role, but right now it is perfect! I even get free gymn membership (what an answer to prayer...) I am really looking forward to working regularly at the same place. At last I feel I have a little normality.

I've been busy...

2006-04-04T22:18:00.000Z

I can't believe that nearly a week has gone by since I last blogged - no idea where that has gone. Today I have been busy doing nothing if that makes any sense. Is it me or do computers seem to sulk and have a problem co-operating with their Master? Today just trying to get some old but valuable files from our old computer using the CD rewriter took forever and I felt like I was on university challenge. My misery was compounded further when trying to update our laptop with virus protection, 3 hours and 4 attempts later I succeeded!!

Anyway, I have less than a week before I start work so I have been trying to cram in all the things that I should have done in the last however, long I have been off work... Yesterday, I went shopping in Freeport to add to my work wardrobe you understand. I was on a real role and even bought some shoes in Asda later (well, I couldn't find any in Freeport!!) When I got home I carried on shopping by catalogue... Now before any of you jump to quite reasonable ideas about an addiction, I am overjoyed that I have seen everything that I need at once without having to go shopping for ages. I'm the sort of person who either buys nothing or nearly everything.

It feels a little weird that I shall be starting work next week. I'm not worried about it but just think that I'm out of practice. Temping over the past couple of weeks part-time has helped (not least finance my shopping trip!) I shall be going to my last Ladies meeting on a Thursday which I shall miss. I am going to have to learn to be more organised too. I am glad that Easter comes after I start as I have managed to get all the bank holidays paid! The next few weeks are going to be difficult for us so it will also be good to have a distraction.

Blame the computer for my erratic thought processes, we had to battle it out for supremacy...

What am I up to?

2006-03-29T23:34:00.000Z

I know it's only Thursday morning but I feel like I have done a whole weeks worth of things (not bad when you consider I have only been to work 1 day this week so far...) I have caught up with my 40 Days reading finally - YIPEE
Last night I decided to emerge as a Domestic Goddess and cook Kevin a 3 course meal. So I spent 2 hours cooking French Onion Soup (Rick Stein recipe) - mental note this is for cooks only, who else can spend 2 hours making soup and that's without making my own stock!! Anyway, I thought I'd surprise the usually malnourished Kevin when he came in. Apart from thinking he was in the wrong house, his eyes started streaming from all the onions I had been cooking... Never mind the soup was ok. Today I have been on the phone 10 times!! All these have been social calls. The blue man is exercising his tongue and I think that I am going for gold on this! It has been great to meet up with a number of church folk this week during the day and have times of fellowship and prayer. More talking... Funny, my tongue never seems to flag, it always has enough energy to keep going and going. Kevin has even been known to answer the phone with "Sarah Bray's answering service..." Perhaps I should do a sponsored silence after all.

Mothering Sunday

2006-03-26T23:20:00.000Z

As you may imagine today has been difficult. I have been a bit self indulgent and share a picture of Daniel on his first Mother's Day -bless him! I really cannot remember how we spent Mothers Day last year. Ten months on memories fade which is hard as you really want to hang onto everything you can remember. The last day I can remember is of Kevin getting Daniel up in the morning but not before we all had a three way cuddle in our bed. We used to do a lot of that at the weekends. Daniel's oxygen tubing would wind itself around us but that didn't matter. On that last morning he was laughing and grabbing my hair which was so characteristic of him.

In church today we sang one of the songs that was at Daniel's memorial service - Our God is a great big God complete with all the actions. We then sang another emotional song for me where the refrain goes: "empty handed but alive in His hands" This always brings a lump to my throat without fail as I feel the void of life without Daniel. I do thank God, though, that I had the privilege of being a Mother. One of the things I find most difficult following Daniel's death is that some people find it easier to deal with his death because Daniel had Downs Syndrome - we don't. This hurts as it is hard to understand how people can feel that life has less meaning if you are disabled - it hurts even more when they feel they are encouraging us when they tell us!! We will never know the person that Daniel would have been but he would have had a quality of life and parents that love him. It is hard to be left behind sometimes and this has truly been a difficult weekend.

On Friday, when I went into the temporary assignment the lady sitting next to me was overjoyed that she had received a present from her Son which he sent to the office. She then read out the poem that he sent to her - lots of oohs and aaghs from the staff. Uncharacteristically, I am mute... I never begrudge that others have children and enjoy them, it's just sometimes, I feel totally separate. Feeling a little bruised on Saturday I went to a Ladies Meeting at church, which I found difficult emotionally. When I came home there was a lovely bouquet waiting for me from my Sister which cheered me. Her thoughtfulness was really touching particularly as someone had suggested that flowers might offend. How can you offend by giving flowers? (Male readers, please note you can never go wrong with flowers...)

Anyway, on Saturday we also received a letter from Daniel's consultant at St Johns. They have decided to buy a Doppler blood pressure monitor for use with babies who have cardiac conditions from some of the donations received in Daniel's memory. This is very fitting and we are pleased that these funds have been allocated in this way.

I look back on Daniel's life and was thrilled that I had the privilege of being his Mum. That's something that nobody will ever be able to take away

Guess what?

2006-03-23T23:34:00.000Z

I GOT THE JOB!!

Well, you could have knocked me down with a feather! When I got back from the Ladies meeting today I saw the postman (it was gone 2 pm) and didn't really think much about it. When my post was delivered a little later I had an A4 envelope from the company who interviewed me yesterday. As soon as I saw it I thought that, well, they wouldn't send me all that information if I hadn't been successful. Anyway, I will be starting on 10th April if all the formalities can be completed in time.

I am just so very thankful. I feel now that the next step of the healing process can take place. One of the good things about this job is that I will be able to renew my membership of the Institute of Personnel and Development (I let it lapse following my maternity leave). In the role of Personnel Administrator I will not have the same level of authority as I am used to however, at this time, I know that I can confidently do what is asked of me! I will have the opportunity to learn new things though so I am pleased.

I will be temping until the end of next week and then have a week off before starting my new job.

Thanks to everyone who has been praying for me, sending me emails and texts. It is much appreciated.

2nd interview...

2006-03-22T23:41:00.000Z

Just a quick blog to say that I had my second interview this morning at 9 am. I was there for 2 hours!! I had four tests (I could only do 3), met up with the Chief Executive and was interviewed again by my original interviewer!! I was absolutely exhausted before heading off to my current temp assignment. Apparently it is between myself and one other person. No pressure then... I should hear by the end of this week. I REALLY WANT THIS JOB! This is not my ideal job (not sure what would be) but at this stage, it would build on so many things that I have done professionally. Part of me doesn't want the end of the week to come in case I came second. I am praying and trying not to look at what do I do if... Does anyone else stuggle with having patience in affliction?

Thanks for all your encouragement.

You can't ? for toffee?

2006-03-21T18:26:00.000Z

It turned out to be a bit prophetic (or should that be pathetic?) but Kevin reminded me last night that I can't park for toffee... Apparently, I had somehow blocked him in the drive yesterday completely unawares. Our drive is easily big enough for 5 cars so technically there shouldn't be a problem... I couldn't prove this though this morning as the parking fairy had been... I absolutely loathe parking and any delicate manoeuvring of the car so today I had a bit of a shock. I went to a new assignment this morning which is a converted house into offices. There was only one car in the rather tiny car park and somehow I managed to shoehorn my car into a gap of sorts. When I came to leave tonight there were another 3 cars and a lampost within striking distance (yes, literally!) After much puffing and panting, praying, stalling and gear changing my car was freed from the car park. I felt so pleased that I had managed it without resorting to my usual measures, accosting a stranger to move the car or waiting until everyone else has left.

This was on top of a day where it just felt like one of those days to start... In my temporary capacity I wrote to Great Ormond Street, Daniel's Consultant, my GP practice and dispensary, was asked whether I had children and told about someone else's Down Syndrome son. It really did have a "deja vue" feeling about it all and wore me out!!

Never mind, the money will come in handy but unfortunately did not manage to take my mind off things but what a day! Really glad that tomorrow will be different - phew!

A day in the life of ...

2006-03-20T23:16:00.000Z

I haven't deliberately stopped blogging it's just that so many other things have been shouting for my attention... It might even be my brain rebelling! A very worrying thought. Anyway, I have had a busy time being full of the lurgy... So I have had to do nothing :-( and have been so full of horrible things that I couldn't even blog or eat a Cadbury's Cream Egg, you get the idea of how serious it was!! Particularly as I couldn't even face church either (that's 3 weeks I've missed and I feel like I have been away for years!!) In am now behind on my 40 Days of Community book. I had only just caught up after missing some chapters on holiday.

Today, I have felt so much better and met up with a friend for lunch. 5 hours later I thought I ought to get home to cook Kevin's tea before I go heading off out for a talk on Witchcraft. Before any wise comments it is by an Author as part of Essex Book Fair and it related to the trials in East Anglia taking place in the 17th Century. Interesting stuff.

Anyway, the very good new is that I have a second interview on Wednesday at 9 a.m. Thanks to those of you who have been praying. I really appreciate it. Apparently Wednesday's meeting is going to last about an hour and a half (can you imagine the interviewer!!) I am not nervous yet, but I'm sure that I will be first thing Wednesday.

I start a new temp assignment on Tuesday which should last for 6 days and I am thrilled as this week I am able to go to the Ladies Meeting on Thursday. I have come to really value these meetings and have met up with people I would never normally have come into contact with in the confines of the church service. Additionally, some of the sharing within the group has been so inspiring and motivational.

Must dash now, need to get ready for tomorrow.

:-)

Terrible Twos

2006-03-15T09:51:00.000Z

Since I have been back two seems to be a significant number.

One of the first things that I do upon dumping my suitcases in the hall is to pick up the mail whilst having a huge mug of tea. Sometimes I even sit down when reading it... Anyway, having sorted the post I am down to two letters, one from Chelmsford Borough Council and I eagerly rip open the envelope only to be told ...."you were unsuccessful..." My holiday mood evaporated and I'd only been home less than 15 minutes!! Feeling stung that I'd failed at the interview :-((((( I then opened the other letter. It was a letter from Elim telling me that I have been accepted as a Member of the Church - yay!! So from rejection to acceptance in less than 5 minutes... I am thrilled and thinking about it (as I do sometimes!) I would have hated to have my membership of Church declined. So, it's the right way around. It also reminded me that whilst I may feel rejected by others God never does which always puts a smile on my face.

A tale of two watches... I bought a rather posy looking watch in France as a Happy Birthday present to me. Can you imagine my disbelief when yesterday when I wanted to wear it to my interview it had stopped working completely!! I only bought it on Saturday (aagh!!) Unfortunately, it is not available in the UK. Anyway, my other boring watch, the one I use all the time I kind of misplaced (those of you who know and love me will understand how often this happens) I went round to a friend's with a naked arm, my virtual watch being the suntan(!) around where the strap normally is. I began to panic thinking I'd lost it. Well, after a search I found it, now it's just my brain that's missing...

And finally, I was asked yesterday in the middle of another job interview, "So you have a 2 year old then?" Pity my poor interviewer, she had no idea of what was going to come next. I felt that I had to correct that because if I didn't I would spend the rest of the interview "internalising" my grief. I didn't cry but this in itself was a struggle and then I moved on in the interview much to my interviewer's relief. Despite this I thought the interview went well with me being almost me again!?? Anyway, I'll hear whether I go for a second interview next week.

Continuing with the 2 theme, I have two temporary assignments just unfortunately at the same time!!

A lots happened since we got back on Sunday.

40 Days of Community

2006-03-01T21:32:00.000Z

Day One

Well, I have managed to read today's chapter of the 40 Days of Community. Last year I found it really helpful to keep a journal on the 40 Days of Purpose and so as I'm a creature of habit (well, ish...) I thought I'd have another go. Those of you who know me will have cottoned onto the fact that I'm really not that disciplined even though I mean to be...so this ensures I don't put off what I need to do.

Although this is a short blog, because I have no inspiration today at all :-( the one thing that came across to me from the chapter about love was that it is a choice and not a feeling. There are a number of relationships which I struggle with and believe me the feeling is not there at all... However, I am reminded that you can show someone love even though you may not be feeling it!!

Given the selfish nature of the grieving process it is often about how I'm feeling at a particular time in response to various triggers. I am looking forward to concentrating upon others needs which will encourage me to look out as opposed to looking inwardly.

I have a feeling that this book is really going to challenge me. I found the 40 Days of Purpose the most challenging book I have ever read excluding the Bible. Hope my brain can stand it particularly as I am really busy before I go away.

I am thrilled to say that I have another interview lined up but this will be on the 14th March which will be sufficient time to recover following the gruelling car journey back from France.

Back for now...

2006-02-28T23:32:00.000Z

Well, I'm 40 now :-(( For this milestone we decided to go away and have had a fantastic time in Rome.
This is a slightly older (!!) looking me on our last day. Having climbed the 320 steps at the top of St Peters we enjoyed the view before huffing and puffing all the way down. We did much sightseeing including the Sistine Chapel and the Vatican museums where we managed to go on the day where there was no entrance charge... On our time away I was spoilt rotten. We ate superb meals, drank fine wines (!) and I am incredibly heavy now (nothing to do with tonight's pancakes!) We had a pretty high impact three days and I even managed to squeeze in a bit of shopping. We have thrown a coin in the Trevi fountain so who knows when we will be coming back...

Now that we are back, I am rushing around like a headless chicken trying to get all the laundry done for when we go away again which is.... Sunday. We go to France for a week. Before then, I have to read and write the review on the Hand in Hand book, complete a job application form, go to a job interview on Friday, write a short story (I wasn't able to start the Chocoholic story although I did all the necessary research :-)). I hope to be able to blog en France if the software works.

Ciao or should it be a bien tot?

Hand in Hand

2006-02-18T20:00:00.000Z

This image is powerful to me as it reminds me of God taking my hand in his and leading me. Many of you will know that I struggle with finding "normality" following Daniel's death last year. The struggle is getting harder as my less than normal life continues... HOWEVER, this morning, I received the book that I need to review for "Woman Alive" magazine. I hadn't been told the title of the book other than it was in the Inspiring Women series. Well, when I received the book today I just burst out laughing. It is entitled - Hand in Hand with God (Finding hope in a hurting world). It is a study of both Naomi and Ruth. The timing is absolutely impeccable!! It has reminded me how at times like these when you don't know which direction to go in, you are never alone and God tenderly leads you where he wants you to go. It is great to be reminded of this.

Nostalgia

2006-02-16T00:02:00.000Z

Yesterday, Kevin and I went to see a group called Simple Minds. Those of you who are younger than 30 will have no idea who I am talking about. Anyway we went and turned the clock back about 18 years, sung our little hearts out and jigged around. They were surprisingly good and entertaining. It was interesting to see how the band had aged too.

I am on the "Woman Alive" reader panel and asked this week if I could write a book review. I did one last year which was published. I am thrilled as the answer is yes. My writing course has finished and I am not necessarily sure about what are the next steps to take but feel encouraged that I have another opportunity.

I am meeting back up with my Mum who has been in Australia for the last 6 months. We meet up next week before Kevin and I go and eat as much Italian ice-cream as we can in Rome.

Isn't it lovely, when the sun comes out? It was so beautiful earlier today that I could get out in the garden for a bit of fresh air. Lovely. It's very nearly Spring.

The Result

2006-02-13T19:49:00.000Z

Well, today I got the phone call... I was unsuccessful following my interview on Wednesday, last week. Thanks to everyone who has prayed and supported me. Apparently the successful candidate has more recent banking experience than I do so it's now time to move on. I am thrilled that apparently I did well at all the tests and I have been told that they would be interested in pursuing my application if any vacancies come up in the future so I haven't made a complete hash of it. I was praying for the interviewers that they would pick the right person, so they have, it's just not me. That's ok.

If I am unable to get a permanent job within the next month or so (we go away to Rome and then off to France...) I shall have to go back to the temping which I detest so much but which at least means I get an income and gives me some variety. Until I find a permanent job. I hate being a stay at home, wife as I am not at all domestic and can't just seem to fix things. I am getting to be a bit of a Countdown expert though. I am scared that if I do not use my brain somehow it will seize up and I'm sure that I have experience the odd moment when this has happened...

Thinking about using my skills and talents I was reminded of the Ladies meeting at church on Thursday. Someone asked if anyone had any ideas of how to raise funds and I came up with a sponsored silence. Erm, I wasn't quite so sure of the response I got... Someone very tactfully told me that I wouldn't be using my skills and talents (oh, well)

Who am I again???

2006-02-08T23:49:00.000Z

Today something interesting happened when I was at the interview, I had a glimpse of the sort of person that I used to be (I'd forgotten who that is!) I arrived at the interview a good 15 mins early down to both Tim and Kevin's best efforts to navigate the 30 miles or so (Kevin had taken me for a dummy (!) run the night before). I felt relaxed at the interview and even laughed naturally. Thinking about it so did the interviewers but then again they had to listen to my answers. I really don't know how I got on but the interview was a positive experience. I resisted the urge when they asked me about the sort of challenges that I had faced to talk about my Angel Delight coloured drive. (Honestly, all it needs is a couple of hundreds and thousands and it would look like a trifle...) Thank you bloggers for praying for me, I do feel uplifted by your support and I did feel carried today. Finding the office and a parking space were also further answers to prayer. The drive still needs prayer!!

Again it was a panel interview but the atmosphere was much more informal. One of the things that I find really difficult is that as I am grieving I am not sure how I come across and it is not the sort of thing that you want to mention either. The interview lasted 55 minutes (no, I wasn't doing all the talking either although I did describe myself as chatty). The time that I really clammed up was when I was asked to explain my Christian Faith and all the words I was searching for were temporarily unavailable. I sounded lame even to me but was really glad that I had written an A4 evidence statement... I was then shown round the offices and everyone seemed really friendly.

Later on I had the 5 assessments which on the whole weren't too bad but there were a couple that I didn't finish. These were seeking to check my attention to detail and I don't think that I performed these particularly well. One of the assessments was a personality test with comments like:" Do you upset people?" I could hardly put yes but no seems a bit too virtuous. Are you competitive? Again another no.

This position was advertised in our Church Newsletter and doesn't exactly fit my background to date but I am looking for new direction so didn't automatically discount this vacancy. I will know by either the end of this week or the beginning of next whether I have been successful or not. I have asked God to shut the door if this is not the right opportunity for me. At the moment, I feel excited because even if this is not the right post for me, I have given my best at what is still a difficult time. I am encouraged that I can laugh again.

Busy Doing Nothing

2006-02-06T22:23:00.000Z

My sabbatical hasn't really turned out how I hoped it would. I had envisaged lazy days catching up with friends, meeting up in quaint coffee shops and discovering new talents. Well, let's just say I have now landed on Planet Reality!!

We have the builders in as our drive needed resurfacing. Is it just me or do Tradesmen have their own timescale (one promised to phone me after 5 pm - which later turned into 9:45 pm!!) A 4-day job is now turning into a 2 week stint instead. Can you imagine my horror when I look out of the window today and see the drive looking a cute barbie pink!! Trying not to show any concern about the revised colour scheme (it should be a staid buff colour) I nonchalantly enquire as to how it will look when it will dry. "Oh, don't worry love it dries up a different colour!!" Well, how was I supposed to know. I have not ventured out of the house as when I do my feet are engulfed in a strawberry dust storm.

Even our radiator in the lounge, is crying and this streaming was curtailed by the plumber last week only to return again with a vengeance.

I have had a bad cold so the only people that I have been in contact with lately have been the Tradesmen who I do believe come off a different planet with their technical language and fluid timescales...

My cold prevented me buying a new frock and going to the Hilton with Kevin on Friday. Ok, it would have been difficult finding an evening hanky complete with rhinestones and I would have needed my own private plumber but that's not the point. I have known Kevin for 18 years and there has never been an opportunity before and I would have liked to have gone before I dance round my Zimmer frame.

My cold is going now and I am relieved as I prepare for my interview on Wednesday. As it is a Christian organisation I have to prove my faith convincingly. I find this a little challenging to say the least. Must remember to take 2 pairs of shoes, one for walking along the strawberry dustfield and the other to look normal (!) in and go with my interview suit. Kevin thought I should put carrier bags on my feet but knowing me I would forget to take them off for the interview. At least I would get noticed...

If you don’t succeed…

2006-02-01T01:23:00.000Z

I tried to blog yesterday at 1:00 a.m. and the blogging network crashed leaving my blog cast away in cyberspace… It has been a funny couple of days really where I don’t feel that I have anything really to show for my time out. Yesterday I spent a lot of time typing, thinking and trying to put together my 1500 word assignment which was due in today. Despite all my false starts yesterday I was able to start again from scratch today and complete it for this evening‘s class. Deadlines always concentrate my mind to get things done and recently I have been really challenged about how I spend my time as without any I have a tendency to get it done whenever (especially housework!!) The same verse keeps appearing, firstly in a magazine article I read on Friday, then at the Evening Service at church and yesterday it was the verse of the day I saw on two websites and was emailed to me as well so the drip drip effect has meant that it has registered. Colossians 3 v 23 - 24:
“Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, since you know that you will receive inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ that you are serving.”
I have always found this verse to be really helpful in a work capacity but have never thought of it in a “housewifely” way before. One of the things that I have found difficult without working is the lack of structure and a feeling well it doesn’t matter whether I do something now or later and I have been having the odd (!) lie in... I am just not used to having so much free time but feel now that this time needs to be better utilised. So, by doing the things that need doing regularly, this will then allow me to do spontaneous stuff when it comes along without any mad panic. Well, that’s the plan anyhow…

Under construction

2006-01-28T10:19:00.000Z

Apologies for the state of the blog page but it is due a revamp and there are currently time and skill gaps which I shall work on... Any helpful hints re formatting the blog page would save a lot of stress... I know that I have to edit my Html but not sure how to play around with this - sad, eh!

Our "old" computer didn't allow many things given it's antiquity and I fully expect to invite others into my house to see a fully working museum piece!! I had hoped that when I got my new laptop that all I would have to do is just press a button and hay presto! I am obviously far too niaive!!

Normal service will be resumed in the near future... It is driving me absolutely barmy (sshh people will notice!) as I cannot access my links so watch this space as this blogspot will be a work in progress.

Sabbatical

2006-01-27T01:02:00.000Z

Since the beginning of the year temp works seems to be a bit thin on the ground so I am taking the opportunity for time out. Lucky me! There are very few times that you can actually do this without having other pressures. I have been asked how long that this is likely to last, and my response would be for as long as it lasts. In an ideal world, I would like to be working by the 1st week in March. I will then have had 2 months away from working which will have given me chance to catch up on my sleep... I believe that I was born to hibernate. I am dreadful at getting up and so it has been really hard to tear myself away from my bed in this perishingly cold weather.

Well, I am pleased that I have managed to be shortlisted for another job. The interview is not until the 8th February but it is going to be pretty full on... It will start with a panel interview in Loughton at 10:00 a.m. followed by a short visit of the offices (apparently this in total lasts an hour and a half). I then get back to Chelmsford where I have to undertake 5 (yes 5!!) assessments and I have to allow up to 2 hours for this. Oh well, it is bound to be an experience of sorts. No experience is ever wasted - mmmmm. I have already spoken to one of my interviewers who rang me earlier to find out more information to establish whether I would be suitable for shortlisting. In that moment, I had to explain certain things and did alert him to the fact that my career path has taken a more unnusual turn due to a close family bereavement. I am pretty chuffed that I have been shortlisted even with one of the interviewers knowing this. Even if I do not get the job, this will be good (more helpful!) interview experience. Just as well I am not going to be President of ICI!!

I have had a busy day talking to people all day. This morning I went to the Ladies Meeting at church which is really well attended. I love having the chance to natter with people that I don't catch up with when I am working. I then did the Job Centre and that only took about 30 seconds fortunately. I had a lovely lunch in Chelmsford with a couple of friends and then this evening I went to my Lifegroup where I did some more chattering. I did do some listening too, honest.

I cannot believe that it is nearly February already. We will be going to Rome at the end of the month for a few days so it is not long now. Kevin and I are also booking holidays for the rest of the year. These are the only plans that I can make until I know what is happening with the work front. Still, it is lovely to be able to have things to look forward to
and I know that we are lucky having these opportunities.

The right words..

2006-01-25T02:01:00.000Z

Do you ever find that when you want to say something meaningful you just cannot find the words that convey what you want to say? Well, I know that I'm not short of words (!!) but at yesterday's service for Neil my vocabulary totally deserted me... I only really got to know Neil from blogging but his gentleness was evident to all revealed in his blogs. Neil always found helpful words to me irrespective of what he was facing and his encouragement often sustained me through the darkest of times. He inspired me greatly and whilst we knew that we were following different paths on earth we took the time out to cheer one another on. That was so precious. Neil's health gave him insight, wisdom and tenderness which blessed me many times and gave me strength. I have spent time lately going through the many emails and comments that used to fly between computers and have been blessed again. Neil's words offered to comfort me on the loss of Daniel are again a real comfort. I would like to share one of his comments when he had just learnt that Daniel died.

"He is now free of the painful times and with his Heavenly Father." He then goes on to say that,
" I know that you will go through this process (of loss) knowing that God is close even when you might not understand the why."

Neil was right. God bless him.

It's all go...

2006-01-22T23:20:00.000Z

On Friday I went to London to meet a friend. We had a fantastic time visiting the Museum of London at St Pauls. Then left to my own devices a little later on I decided to be a real tourist crossing the Millennium Bridge and back again and going to St Paul's Cathedral. As it was such a fabulous afternoon I decided in a moment of madness to climb all 530 steps to the top vantage point of the Cathedral - the Golden Gallery. This was a real workout!! But the view was breathtaking and I really enjoyed the feeling of serenity from this lofty perspective. I really needed a big sit down to recover so sat listening to the 30 strong choir. This preceded the evensong service to which I decided to stay. The service was hard to follow as it was in Latin!! Nonetheless, it felt majestic and was a peaceful setting. Suitably refreshed I went to Oxford Street to buy a 40th birthday present and bumped into Dale Winton in Selfridges. Alas, he didn't recognise me...

Yesterday, we also did something that we haven't done for a long while. We had people over in the evening. Neither of us could remember the last time that we had done something like this. We had a great evening playing the 80's edition of Trivial Pursuits.

I went to church this morning at the first service and was really blessed by the sermon. I found it very moving and challenging. It centred on Joshua 1 and the key verse was verse 9:

"Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go". Excellent encouragement during this time.

We then went out for a friend's 40th birthday to an exclusive listed Hotel for a 3 course meal. I now need to run up all the 530 steps about 4 times to burn off the calories...

Prayer please!!

2006-01-20T23:49:00.000Z

Calling all regular Bloggers... Just a quick blog to ask for your prayer in a hugely difficult situation. I saw Anna this evening and she has asked that as many people as possible pray for her family so doesn't mind me going public. In addition to the loss of Neil, Anna's Dad was taken into hospital yesterday (Thursday) in Yorkshire. He also has kidney cancer which is the same that Neil had. Given his health Anna's Dad is unable to make the celebration service on Monday and neither will Anna's Mum. At times like this it is hard to know the right thing to say but I am reminded of something that Neil emailed me shortly after losing Daniel "Our faith is that God is in control and works for the good of humanity whom He loves so very dearly."

Amen!

We'll meet again...

2006-01-16T18:38:00.000Z

I have found it really difficult to blog since I heard the news that Neil, a fellow Blogger and Member of our Church died on Saturday following an ongoing battle with Cancer. At only 43, it is painful to realise that he can no longer be with us and share the future with his wife and two sons who will feel this the most. I have been thinking about the wartime song which says: "We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when..." Whilst I don't know when, I believe that I will meet up with Neil in Heaven. His strong Christian faith inspired many and reassures me that I know exactly where he is. This is of immense comfort. Whilst Neil had many battles to face he always knew the destination of his final journey and his faith was unwavering.

Irrespective of what was happening to Neil he was able to sing choruses which would be challenging to anyone going through a tough time let alone facing significant health concerns. I was thrilled that he played the guitar and sung along to "How great Thou art" and "Our God is a great big God" at the celebration of Daniel's life less than 9 months ago. Seeing him on the stage that day, helped me deal with Daniel's loss. Whilst I will miss him, how he reached out to others irrespective of his health, along with his gentleness and encouragement, his faith is an ongoing source of inspiration to me.

One of the things I miss most about Daniel is cuddling him. My arms ache with emptiness sometimes but I now have an image of Neil cuddling Daniel in Heaven together and it makes me smile.

What a day!

2006-01-14T00:26:00.000Z

It's been a bit of a day ... I was delighted that I was able to return my hearing aid without any trouble today. I was at my most assertive :-) but am thrilled that this went without any hitches.

When I got back home the Benefits Agency phoned me about the problems with my claim. Let's just say that it is all complicated and surprisingly my circumstances don't fit the system well... Your papers mysteriously vanish into the black hole of the "too difficult to deal with" pile. NB - I am referring to my circumstances rather than my manner!! I was told that it can take months to resolve my claim but I was very fortunate as the person who was dealing with my claim was very understanding and although she said that it was a lot of work she would resolve issues on Monday for me. Half an hour later she told me that she had worked on it today and all I need to do is bring paperwork into the Job Centre on Monday. I am going to get at least 4 weeks benefit backdated some time next week - yipee! This was becoming a bit of an issue.

Now, about the job. It's a no. I had a phone call this afternoon and I will be contacted next week with details about why my application proved unsuccessful. Am I bovvered? Well, disappointed that I didn't wow the interviewers with my sparkling personality (!!) and natural modesty... I just feel relieved in a way. So whilst I have a couple of "irons in the fire" I have nothing else to work towards just yet. I just need to use this time wisely.

I have threatened to do some decorating at home and as ever I need to do some research on my chocoholic story. Mmmmm......

Pardon?!!

2006-01-12T23:06:00.000Z

Well, today has been a bit difficult for no other reason than it is taking me a long time to adjust to our new life. It really seems odd being around during the day. I went to the Ladies Meeting at church, followed by my favourite place, the Job Centre. At the moment despite being owed 4 weeks benefit there seems to be a bit of a hiccup because I have been temping - wot no cash :-(

Tomorrow, I am going to have to get rid of my all singing, all dancing top of the range hearing aid as it is giving me problems... The final straw was when I was sitting down to complete an application form and I kept getting feedback when I used dial up on the computer. I also am getting continous ear infections which go when I wear my NHS one and return when I wear my private one. It really pains me to say it but my NHS digital one suits me better. All being well, I will get the absolute King's Ransom that I paid for it back - which will be nice. However, I am really disappointed that I cannot continue to use it as the NHS ones are not discreet. I feel that this is a bit of a backward step so boo, hiss, back to the ear trumpet now... No matter what anyone says, I know that I wear it and have done for the past 15 or so years. Apparently, when you reach your forties (help...) your hearing deteriorates further along with everything else!!

The Interview

2006-01-11T15:22:00.000Z

Well, you get the picture!! I had my interview at 10:00 a.m this morning and any preparation I had for it went straight out of the window.

You'll be pleased to know that I was able to buy a new suit so I looked the part. My other one was not suitable following a bit of overindulgence during the Christmas Period. I couldn't bear the thought of not sitting down all interview, trust me, I know my limitations or having a wardrobe misfunction of sorts...

I was interviewed by a panel of 3 and did find it incredibly daunting. You would never believe that I have interviewed hundreds of people as I found it difficult to talk. I know what you are thinking - a rarity! The interview only lasted 30 mins so it is hard to establish how it went. I know I can do the work it is just I'm not sure that I was able to let the interviewers' know that so we'll see. Finally, I had a 30 minute test, one of which was an in-tray test and 2 exercises to test my ability on the computer. I found this to be challenging even though under different circumstances it would have proved easy for me.

I will hear some time on Friday afternoon so I haven't got long to wait. The panel are interviewing all day today, tomorrow and some of Friday. I think that I was the first candidate.

One of the things that I was dreading was explaining my career aspirations i.e. why this job, at this time but I was never asked this. I was thankful that I did not have to mention Daniel even indirectly.

Thanks for your encouragement, prayers and support. I am finding job hunting harder than I thought but I know that the Lord has a plan for me.

Pastures New

2006-01-07T23:04:00.000Z

I didn't know it but today has been a bit of an emotional rollercoaster... After 2 hours sleep, I went along with a friend to the New Farleigh Hospice building now sited in Broomfield, before it opens its doors to patients on Tuesday. Some of you may already know that before I had Daniel I used to work for Farleigh as the Volunteer Co-ordinator, responsible for the 700 or so volunteers. My friend and I were keen to see the facilities and we spent about an hour and a half there this morning which included a tour and presentation.

Got off to a bit of a tricky start when I caught up with a former colleague who was leading the tour. Unfortunately, my news hasn't reached the deepest recesses in Farleigh so I had to sidestep the question about being a full-time Mum these days. This caught me off balance and him even more so! The new hospice is fantastic with plenty of space to improve the service given to patients. One of the great things now is that there is sufficient space for relatives to be able to stay in comfort(!) which was always difficult at the premises in New London Road. Seeing this room, disturbed emotions which I hoped wouldn't surface because it reminded me of all the times Kevin and I used to spend at Daniel's bedside. Hard images to shift.

I also saw what would have been my office and had to let it go. This now belongs to someone else that I recruited(!)but it is hard to retain an emotional distance from something that I invested so much of myself in. Working in a hospice has had a profound impact on me as I was able to see first hand the difference that Hospice care can make so I remain a confirmed supporter of the cause. Farleigh prepared me for some of the challenges that we had to face as a family and also gave me the courage to take advantage of the facilities at Little Haven Children's Hospice.

At the end of the tour, I saw a Volunteer who asked me in a very loud voice (probably could be heard the four miles away at the old Farleigh site!!) how my family is. Er, answer, Sarah has exited the building in record time!!

Later on Kevin took me shopping to Lakeside to cheer me up and continuing my melancholic outlook I only bought wrinkle cream and a skipping rope that counts calories. What a wasted opportunity...

I am going for a job interview on Wednesday and am having the usual clothing crisis. Oh why oh why, couldn't you have given me 6 months notice so that I could have lost weight to wear one of my suits. Perhaps, I'd best skip everywhere instead of walk...

January...

2006-01-04T23:42:00.000Z

Well, it is the beginning of the year and already Cadbury's Cream Eggs are in the shops. We found them even before the New Year had started...

We have booked a holiday to.... France - quel surprise! We are going in March so we have something good to look forward to. Pity Kevin as he will be driving although Tim will be supervising the route.

I am currently in between jobs and have decided that although I will continue temping when an assignment comes along I will now concentrate upon looking for permanent work as I feel thqt it is high time that I get "into" something again. I have completed a couple of application forms in the last week and it takes me approximately 3 hours a time!! Loads of concentration.

My writing course starts back up on Tuesday for 5 weeks. If I am not working it may give me the opportunity to give more to it as sometimes all I wanted to do was sleep after a day's work.

Today I was attempting to multi-task by cooking the dinner as well as talk on the phone. Well I looked down to the grill area and could see flames shooting out of the grill as the sausage fat had ignited. I hastily made my excuses on the phone and tackled my mini blaze without setting off the smoke alarm!!

Despite not working this week, time is passing quickly as I am trying to undertake a number of projects. We have a new laptop and I am organising all our photos trying to get to grips with the software. Is it me or does anyone else feel left behind? I have discovered that you can have a slide show of your photos using your TV equipment.

Tomorrow, I am going blonde (sounds like I have already with my heroics today), going to the Job Centre and seeing a Recruitment Consultant. I know how to live.

It's all go...

Prayer Request

2006-01-03T00:06:00.000Z

A friend of mine, Daryl, who was diagnosed with stomach cancer last year needs further prayer. Although he has had all his stomach removed last year and is making a good recovery he has recently found a lump on his ribs. He is understanably concerned about this.

We would be hugely grateful if you could remember him in your prayers.

Thanks

A good start...

2006-01-02T01:59:00.000Z

Well, this morning both Kevin and I were impressed with our ability to get up and be at the 9:15 a.m Church Service before it began. This is so out of character for us. For those of you who don't know, one of Kevin's many qualities is his ability to awaken me for church whereas I could cheerfully sleep until mid-afternoon. It was great to hear a sermon on how This is the Year that the Lord has made by Mike - a cracker and one that really sets the tone for the coming year. The worship was also rocking. For us it had an added dimension, what the song "How Great Thou Art" means to both Kevin and I. It was played at both Daniel's services back in May. Today was the first time that we had sung it together since, a bit of an emotional moment.

We then went to Bromley and went out for a meal with Kevin's Mum. I hadn't planned to diet this year (dieting is a forbidden word) but would be reviewing my eating habits... I ended the meal having been tempted away from the wholesome and nutritious offerings by a waffle with chocolate, strawberries and ice-cream. Now before you tut at me loudly for having no will-power, I was doing some research for my latest writing effort. T'is true! I need to write about a Chocoholic so I just wanted to experience the whole chocolate thing. If any of you have any thoughts on chocolate that you would like to share this would be much appreciated. I am continuing my research...

Happy New Year

2006-01-01T01:05:00.000Z

We all know that 2005 has not been our year so to speak. However, I was thinking about some of the blessings that have taken place over the past year and began to think of the blogging circuit. This has had a significant impact on our lives, the encouragement, support and laughs have really helped us come to terms with our lives as they are now. It has been wonderful to acquire new friends in this way and thank you for sharing a part of yourself. Thanks to each and every blogger for your support and for everyone who has reached out to us this past year. It has made a difference to us. May God bless you all and enrich you this coming year.

Whilst it has been difficult taking stock of 2005 I know that I have hope and a future with Jesus and this has proven to be of enormous comfort. My future is in His hands.

I have a new man!

2005-12-27T21:35:00.000Z

DJust a quick blog to tell you all about my new man...

oDon't worry, Kevin is perfectly well but I have added Tim into my life (sorry, Kevin it obviously wasn't complete...) Before you all comment about this, I have to point out that Kevin chose Tim for me as he thought it would help. Any ideas? Well, what can I tell you aboutTim? He is courteous, not opinionated and non-confrontational and is the voice of my satelite navigation system. He doesn't give me a hard time if I have missed my turning he just finds me a different route. My navigational skills are always an ongoing source of amusement so Kevin decided to be pro-active to resolve this issue for me. Incidentally, this present was one he had to try first. Anyone else experience this?

If only life could be navigated this easily.

Happy Christmas everyone!

2005-12-19T00:42:00.000Z

Well, I knew it was too good to be true, I've still got more Christmas shopping to do. The rather complicated love life in my family has revealed a gap on the present front...

Thanks to all Bloggers for their love, support and prayer. Your comments have been particularly encouraging and so umuch appreciated - thank you. Some of you may recall, a friend of mine, Daryl who had stomach cancer earlier in the year. I am pleased to say all his treatment has proved to be successful so thank you for being faithful in prayer.

Wishing each and every one of you God's richest blessings for Christmas and the year ahead. Singing in church today, I was reminded that all things are possible through God and He will find a way. Good to be reminded of.

:-)

Has a week really gone by?

2005-12-13T20:08:00.000Z

I am temping this week back on the Reception Desk for the 3rd time at the same place. I was last there 2 weeks ago but became germ infested so I feel the last week or so has been in "slow motion..." My assignment finishes Friday and then it is unlikely that I will be going back as there is no anticipated future need. Still it keeps me occupied. (I am not looking for a reception work other than on a temporary basis).

Last week whilst I was fighting off my germs! I still managed to brave the crowds at both Oxford Street and Lakeside. It is official, I have finished my Christmas shopping... Cue, the smug smile. When I went to Oxford Street I popped into Great Ormond Street for a time of quiet reflection in the Chapel. I can remember holding Daniel above the altar and giving thanks for him.

Later on in the week I personally encountered a bit of road rage which left me shaken but ok. I also applied for a number of jobs - it would appear unsuccessfully.

Kevin and I spent much time on Saturday afternoon playing with marker pens being creative and let's just say, I was so exhausted I had to have a lie down.

Sunday after going to the 1st service, we later go on to visit Kevin's family. It was great to catch up with others but I cannot manage social niceties any more.

Yesterday I went to the job centre where I am told that I have to sign off and re-sign back on again for 1 weeks' temping work. I had to be there as soon as it opened so that someone could determine how they wanted to deal with my claim. Nobody seems to be able to help... I then have to book an appointment to re-sign on again. I am made to feel a nuisance. I bump into someone who knows me from Farleigh and inevitably the conversation steers the usual course when you have to break bad news for the first time to someone and then dealing with how they handle it. Tricky at the best of times but straight after the job centre!!

After a boring half day, where I have learnt to pray during the quiet times, I head off out to a Xmas social organised by one of the agencies. Rush back home and I open a payslip but the same agency have underpaid me. This looks like it is now in dispute... I head off for to attend a local church and they've changed everything aaagh! I start a job application only to be interrupted and pick Kevin up from Brentwood from his Christmas "do". I go back to the job application. If I am successful, interviews take place on Monday.

I do not anticipate working next week so am looking forward to catching up.

Drama Queen

2005-12-06T23:15:00.000Z

I have found my ideal role in life, Drama Queen. I could have written the Job Spec! Without even trying, I can assume the identity... Take today for example, nothing too melodramatic planned, a trip to Chelmsford, a visit to the Job Centre with some Christmas shopping.

My Christmas shopping gets off to a flying start with purchases being made before 9:00 a.m! I am feeling very smug that even those family members whose present ideas normally reduce me to a one dimensional madwoman desperate for inspiration ( I hate buying for Men, those who do not play golf, fish, like chocolate or want socks or vests...) I cannot stop Christmas Shopping it is almost like the magic porridge pot (for those of you who cannot remember this is a little fairy story. I can't help it but I was bought up on these... There was this porrige pot that wouldn't stop producing porridge and the surplus ended up being a sticky mess until some hero was able to stop it) Anyway you get the picture, I am on such a roll shopping that bags seem to overflow. In fact, I am shopping frantically and manically trying to contain my inspiration when... I suddenly notice that one of my bags (and quite possibly a large portion of my brain) is missing!! Doing a bag audit, where I can at least remember what is missing, I embark on my epic journey to be reunited with these potential Christmas presents that I have already neglected. Fortunately, someone hands these in and my descriptions of them satisfy the shop keeper (phew!) My prodigal purchases and I are reacquainted. I know then that when I have run out of hands it is always a good time to stop shopping. The fact that one of the bags broke too should have given me a bit of a warning.

I would like to pioneer a bottomless shopping bag which automatically tidies itself and the purchases inside into the most space saving manner so that it can be stuffed to the maximum capacity. It would tell you if you mislay anything...

I am meeting with a friend in London tomorrow so more Christmas Shopping exploits.

End of the course

2005-12-05T11:50:00.000Z

Last week was the end of my writing course which feels a little strange. I have decided to go onto the 2nd course lasting another 6 weeks which starts on 10th January. I submitted my second assignment to mixed reviews - WARNING this is 3 times long than my first so definitely get yourself a drink... I would welcome your comments particularly about things that work or otherwise!

The Journey

I look like a Vampire, Rachel thought.
Her crimson lipstick accentuated her pallor despite the hint of a golden complexion. The vivid purple bags under her eyes completed her air of absolute fatigue.
Well, I have been through a lot lately, she thought. She snapped her compact shut tightly and fished for her "Cosmopolitan" which was languishing at the bottom of her designer handbag. A little indulgence, to lift her spirits. Well, she reasoned with herself, What girl doesn’t like shopping?
Returning to "Cosmopolitan" she wanted desperately to distract herself during this journey. Despite the column on "How to be a successful It-Girl by the time you are thirty" she found herself looking out of the window. The countryside was racing past bringing her ever closer to her destination and her very own watershed.
She had initially wanted to drive to Bristol but just the thought of this had exhausted her. In fact, she was finding it tiring even contemplating what would happen when she arrived in Temple Meads station in some 3 hours time. She felt so nervous that she wouldn’t be able to eat anything. She knew that her Mum would have made her favourite Shepherd’s Pie in an attempt to "bulk her up". She smiled at the thought but then realised that almost a lifetime had passed since she had last seen her parents.
She wondered what their first impressions would be on seeing her. The Sales Assistant had told her that she looked elegant in her plum trouser suit, this Autumn’s newest shade. She wasn’t convinced that they would like her new look completed by blonde bobbed hair. Had her fellow passengers seen beyond her smile and guessed her secret? Feeling really nauseous now she stood up and made her way to the toilet. En route, a suited gentleman let her pass with an old-fashioned courtesy that she had always felt was so outdated. Could she expect doors being held open for her from now on, people giving up their seats? This was really going to take some getting used to.
Back in her seat, her mind was taking a different journey, unwinding past memories. She couldn’t remember when she had first felt "different" to her school friends. People had perceived her to be a bit of a loner when all she had done was to cloak herself in a world of study, her attempt to mask her feelings.
It was her 25th birthday, which had made her realise that she had to take action. Although nothing spectacular had happened she knew then that she had to be brave enough to face reality and could not continue living through the wrong identity. She explained gently her sexual dilemma to her parents. She was a transsexual, and as such although she had been born a boy she felt like a girl. She had hoped that these feelings would go away in time, but as the years had advanced her feelings had intensified and she felt a fraud.
Her parents were devastated when Rick, their only son, had broached the subject. Basil, Rick’s Father was stoically silent, whilst Margaret, Rick’s Mother had taken it particularly badly. As his Mother she could not understand how she had not realised that something was amiss. The tears had cascaded down her cheeks for what seemed like an eternity. Rachel still felt the lump in her throat now recalling how painful it was when she had had to explain to her Mum what being a transsexual meant. Margaret’s middle-class life had not prepared her for such dramatic revelations. She had urged, Rick, Rachel now, to seek professional help. Margaret was devastated when she learned that hormone therapy was underway. There was going to be no going back.
Relations between Rachel and her Mum had become significantly strained. Margaret wanted Rick just to secrete himself away, metamorphosing into Rachel only in the privacy of home. Rachel had hoped that her Mum would show her make up tips and take her shopping but it just was not going to happen.
A further 18 months had passed when Rachel had sent a postcard to her parents from Morocco. This was not a holiday and she followed it up with a rather tearful phone call explaining that surgery had now been completed. Their son was no more and they had gained a daughter.
But how would they see it?
At Bristol Temple Meads station Margaret sat waiting on the bench outside. She knew she was early but she wanted to indulge in a spot of people watching which always did intrigue her and she found oddly comforting. She wondered how many people on the platform were facing their own very personal dilemmas invisible to the human eye. She thought back to when Rick was born. She had been 40 at the time and felt that she would burst with happiness being a Mum at last. The many opportunities to have children seemed to evaporate over the years beforehand so he had been a delightful surprise. Margaret had finally felt fulfilled as a woman. Although there had been no brothers or sisters for Rick, he had not wanted for anything as Margaret had given him all that she could. She had lived her life through her adored son. He in turn, had been no trouble, whatsoever.
Well, he had made up for it now!
She would never see Rachel (formerly known as Rick) settle down, get married and she would be denied the opportunity of being a Grandmother. All the things that a Mother ever wants for her child or was it for herself? Brian had never discussed the issue of Rick’s new identity with her and she knew that he would just accept any new situation as he always did without questioning anything. Part of her could see that this was a good way of handling those things you cannot change, whereas the biggest part of her felt frustrated in his complete lack of acknowledgement and involvement of new and very trying circumstances. Margaret felt bereft and totally alone.
She shivered in the breeze. She could change her mind and walk away. Her life would continue in its safe normality.
Could she turn her back on her only child? Rick had not been impulsive and would have agonised about his options.
Surely the most important thing for a Mother is for their child to be healthy and happy, isn’t it? Rachel was not in trouble with the Police, did not take drugs or do anything to hurt anyone. If she genuinely believed that she was wrongly trapped inside a man’s body was Margaret in a position to know any better?
The final shreds of Rachel’s self-assurance plummeted when the train pulled into the station on time. She really was not sure whether she could live her new life just yet.
What would happen if her parents felt unable to understand and rejected her? Rachel was one of the last passengers to alight from the train and she became a little unsettled when looking up and down the platform she could not see her Mother’s reassuring figure. Margaret was normally early so her absence was definitely out of character. Rachel’s malaise deepened. Margaret had always loved so generously, but would she be able to love her new daughter? Perhaps this was all just too soon for all of them.
Well, mused Rachel, what should I do now? It would be very easy to give up wouldn’t it and book into a hotel somewhere. Very tempting!
Ok, why don’t I get a taxi and just meet them at their house? Perhaps meeting them in such a public place was too much right now. I know I’ll go and buy Mum some carnations like I always used to and take them with me.
Margaret had spent longer than she would have liked at the flower stall but had hesitated over what to buy. She was so preoccupied that she did not take much notice of the elegant woman in the plum coloured trouser suit.
Should she buy carnations or daisies?
She decided on the daisies and went to pay for her purchase. The woman in the trouser suit had also deliberated she noticed but had opted for the carnations. Their eyes met and in that moment an ocean of emotion passed between them. Rachel took the initiative.
"Here, these are for you, Mum." Margaret felt deeply touched and wordlessly handed her daughter the daisies. She couldn’t trust herself to speak but hugged Rachel instead. They both felt a lightness as if a huge weight had been lifted from them. They realised that no matter what, they were still connected to one another, certain of the depths of each other’s love. Whatever journeys they would face, they would gain strength from facing them together. Nothing would ever be more precious than a Mother’s love.

No two days alike

2005-12-03T00:28:00.000Z

Today was a day of complete contrasts. First, I tried to print off my CV today and the printer said NO! Having had the biggest tantrum and exhausting my entire vocabulary giving said printer, verbal abuse I head off to church for the Ladies Christmas lunch. It was great, there were 30 or so of us ladies together and the atmosphere was one of relaxation. The food was good too! My voice very nearly gave out (try not to cheer...) but I have had a sore throat and all the extra talking today was a bit too much exercise. So many times, you say "hi" to people as you rush through church that you don't get the opportunity to have a chat so it was a luxury to catch up with many people. Interestingly enough I end up sitting next to someone who only knows one other person and me! This was part of God's plan, (I hadn't planned to sit there) and I was able to talk about God incidences. We both had a Farleigh connection and I was also able to explain how this had been great preparation for looking after Daniel. It was certainly an introduction into mult-disciplinary care.

It did make me laugh though, when someone came up to me and asked me if I was better. The person concerned was asking me as the last time they had seen me at Church I had managed to water most of the upholstery... It almost sounded as if I was getting over a cold...

I then went to the Job Centre to apply for a job as HR Administrator and popped into an employment agency. I came home and went to the Farleigh Light up a Life service in Chelmsford. I could not stop the tears from coursing down my face and I met up with many of my former colleagues. Before Daniel I always used to go as part of my countdown to Christmas but this year the intensity of it was too much to bear. I am glad that I went though to be reminded of a little star.

Last day

2005-11-27T01:19:00.000Z

Yesterday was my last day in my temp assignment where I had been for a month. It went ok and it was only a small thing but one which I really valued. One of the chaps at work bought me a cream cake (yes, everyone has their price and that's mine...)

Later on I then registered with another recruitment agency that's 7!!! I had a typing test at the very end of the day which wasn't brilliant and they are now looking out for permanent jobs for me.

Today I saw an advert which got me thinking. It was for a Travel Agent of all things. It said "It's not where you are from but where you are going". It just reminded me that life is a temporary assignment with all the frustrations and high points that they can bring. Really uplifting. Who would have thought that I get encouraged by a Travel Agent's advert?

When God says no...

2005-11-24T23:45:00.000Z

Given the complexity of my working life at the moment I was in severe danger of drowning in a sea of self-pity when I was talking to a friend who made a chance remark. It was one of those where I thought, oh,yeah! Why didn't I think of that - doh! She said to me that it's obviously not meant to be that you stay where you are working. I'd kind of overlooked this. I had prayed and God has now shut the door firmly and my last day is tomorrow. I also read somewhere that a "no" is not rejection. I also went to the Cathedral at lunchtime for some quiet reflection which helped. I know now that this is not where God wants me to be so it is easier to accept. I just feel so much lighter now this has been pinted out to me!

Contrast this to yesterday when I was experiencing the mega sulks with God and demanded encouragement. I was really surprised when I opened a letter about my hearing aid and received £50 of vouchers for my inconvenience!!

Mmm... really must learn to trust and obey!

Well tomorrow is my last day but I know God will provide.

C is for conflict

2005-11-22T22:25:00.000Z

There has been no getting away from it but today has been dreadful... I have had to stamp my foot (as it were!) to get the ongoing saga of my hearing aid sorted. It needs to get tweaked a little as my hearing is so unique... To cut a long story short I have managed to arrange an appointment on Saturday in Chelmsford, beats Basildon or Romford :-) but this means I can't go to the Ladies Prayer Breakfast :-(

I have found out today that I will not be continuing where I am temping after this week. This is a very involved situation and one which I have found very disappointing. I feel broken as once again I have tried to pick myself up and have a go and it seems I've fallen over again figuratively speaking. Many people don't know what to say to me following Daniel's death and I can really understand that. There is no stock answer, wouldn't it be great if there was. Most people desperately search for something safe to say and it is usually" how's work?" To summarise work isn't working for me!! At least with temping I am doing something learning new skills and getting some money too. I know from previous experience it can take a long time looking for work so I want to reduce the number of gaps on my cv. So for now the one safe topic you can ask is "hows the weather".

I went to my writing class tonight and handed in my assignment. Kevin came up with a great idea yesterday about giving Bloggers the choice of endings. Not too sure about that but I will post it later in the week, you lucky things.

Question time

2005-11-19T00:19:00.000Z

Tonight we went to a quiz being held for Farleigh and as we were on a clever table we came second (beaten by 1 point)... We did have a fun evening and our brains were stretched beyond our imagination. It's a very silly thing but we brought one of Daniel's toys along as a team mascot for a joke. Truffle, the wind up pig!! Well, one of the roles I enjoyed most about being a Mum was toy tester... Having Truffle with us reminded me about Daniel and it did feel a little like a comfort blanket.

I was really taken aback as I spoke to a former Colleague who asked after Daniel so I had to tell him. That wouldn't have been so bad if I hadn't then immediately bumped into someone else who didn't know either. When I told them they started to cry and the more I was trying to comfort them the worse it was getting. It was definitely a feeling of beam me up scotty!! Amazing really, you would think that I wouldn't need any excuse to join in, but I couldn't.

On the work front, it is possible that I may be offered a temporary position and should hear sometime next week.

I also have to write an assignment on a "journey" by Tuesday. I just cannot get started and even housework looks inviting. Oh well, it's mind over matter.

Birthdays

2005-11-17T23:25:00.000Z

Today would have been Daniel's 2nd birthday. A really tough time. I had today off from work because I knew that I wouldn't be able to concentrate. It has been a glorious sunny day. You know how there is normally a nutter in the community somewhere, the one whom everyone avoids... Well, today it was me! I went and bought some bubbles and sat on a park bench systematically creating many bubbles on the skyline. It felt right as Daniel liked bubbles and as time goes on, it is harder to remember what his likes and dislikes are. We still watch the church service which was captured on DVD. It is a very visual reminder of how others remember him, which helps.

People have been very kind, phoning, texting and sending cards. Obviously today has a huge significance to us but we never expected others to remember and it has been a powerful source of comfort to us.

Last year we had a number of people round to celebrate. At the time, I was advised not to allow Daniel to come into contact with children due to the risk of infection. So approximately 12 or so adults and Daniel spent the afternoon together. He revelled in all the attention. He was originally going to be in Great Ormond Street for his birthday but due to a cancellation it meant that we went a couple of weeks later. It's amazing the significance of this cancellation as we can at least hold a special memory. I cannot,however,celebrate today. It is too soon.

In Daniel's service, one of our Pastors, talks about every day being a gift from God. This is a mighty challenge right now.

Kevin and I went to our local pub for a meal this evening so we did have a special time. Moving towards Christmas will become harder and harder too as there are no happy memories of that day with Daniel. His first Christmas was in hospital and his second he was recovering from surgery. I can remember everyone telling me that there would be others. If only! I know he is having the most amazing party in heaven. Knowing him, he would probably be rolling off his cloud waiting for a blonde Angel to catch him...

Tears

2005-11-11T23:37:00.000Z

I have had a blistering week and managed to shed many tears. I have thought of hiring myself out as a water feature (probably popular in Australia/New Zealand ) right now.

Last weekend we went to a wedding reception and I was doing really well until we got to an emotional speech when I just lost it... The Bride and Groom have a little boy, who will be celebrating his second birthday this week. I have had to to go to St John's this week and decided to pop in to see the Community Nurses whilst I was there. No tears - bonus points! I even bumped into Daniel's Consultant and had a good chat. Lots of smiles all round and I felt smug that my watery eyeballs were having a day off. They are considering getting Doppler blood pressure monitor with the funds that were collected in Daniel's memory. That is such an appropriate choice given Daniel's blood pressure problems.
Work, well, yet more tears. I cannot go into details other than to say I might appear to have had my feet under the table, however, it was just an illusion. I feel really disheartened that I am unable to move onto a new life workwise. I have been temping on and off a month after Daniel died and it is a very harsh existence. However, I thought that it would ease me back into the world of work gently and give me some spending money (well, it is an expensive time of the year). It hasn't worked out like that even though I always get good feedback from wherever I temp. I have applied for permanent positions without success either. I still look each week. I do not feel defined by what I do (or currently don't do). It is more about finding something that I can do that keeps me occupied and pays fairly. I just wanted to rebuild my life again. Really struggling with this despite knowing that no experience is wasted. Whilst I am trusting God with this the daily struggle and motivation to keep going is monumental. I just know that He is there. I can remmeber being given the following verse at Daniel's memorial service:

The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Psalm 34 v 18

My first assignment...

2005-11-08T00:18:00.000Z

Well, I thought it was time to share my "chair story". Get yourself a drink as it's a bit long... No prizes where I got the inspiration from... Let me know what you think!

"Take a seat."
She obeyed meekly feeling incredibly daunted. Her throat felt like yesterday’s toast and she wasn’t even sure that she was breathing but she guessed she must be. Her blouse was nipping her skin and it was such a long time since she had worn tights she had forgotten how uncomfortable and awkward they felt. That summed it up nicely, she thought, I feel like a pair of tights! Oh concentrate, and listen just try to look intelligent, wailed her subconscious.
"So, err…Emily", paused the first interviewer, reading her name off her application form, "why have you applied for this job?"
Because I need the money, why else? She thought. Stalling for time she reached out and took a leisurely sip of water from the glass on the table.
"I believe I have the kind of experience you are looking for, and would welcome the opportunity to build on my administrative skills" she replied in a subdued murmur. How feeble did that sound? Another question followed then another and another and another. It felt like a relentless tirade. She was willing herself to concentrate but found it so hard when her interviewers resembled a couple of vultures poised to pick over the remains of her carcass. But she was alive! It was Mother that died last month. She wanted so very much to do the best she could to make her Mother proud. Come on girl, she urged, you can do this, go, go go…
"It had been a huge sacrifice"; they all said when she had stayed at home to look after her Mother for the past couple of years. During that time she had learnt so much, she mused, but could any of this help her right now? She could hear her Mother’s voice saying, "No experience is ever wasted." Do I really have the strength to prove this right now? She asked herself. I guess I’ll never know unless I try.
" So, Emily, what personal qualities would you bring with you to this role?" the second interviewer asked, without any tone to his voice. She pictured her Mother smiling at her reassuringly.
"Well, I am organised, calm, working well under pressure and very reliable" she replied. These had proven to be essential characteristics when looking after Mother so they had to be transferable skills, didn’t they?
"We have another 5 candidates to interview but we should be able to let you know whether you have been successful by the end of the week" advised the first interviewer.
I suppose should is the operative word, she thought. I don’t even know if I want the job now. She did feel, however, that whatever the outcome attending the interview was a success.
She was on her feet now, shaking her interviewers’ hands and even managing a brief smile, which did not quite reach her eyes. It was over, at last! But, the first chapter of the rest of her life was just beginning.

Between a rock and a hard place...

2005-11-06T23:12:00.000Z

As you know, I 've made a bit of an impression where I am working. There is a but! Whilst I enjoy what I do, the diversity of not knowing what I am going to do from one minute to the next, I have a growing sense of unease about being sociable outside work. It's not right for me to go into details here but I have a dilemma. I am so disappointed because working would be a new normality following Daniel. I need to find somewhere where I can settle down. I have lost track of the number of people who assume that I don't need to work. I had to give up work to care for Daniel and it is very hard to try to find gainful employment. I am not using work as a substitute but need to use the skills that I have before they seize up!! It is hard to focus on something else when it is a constant struggle to find a job and be treated fairly (temps don't get a good deal, on the whole...) This is proving to be a real toughie... If I had a regular income, this too could take the pressure off!

At the moment, my decision making skills are not quite what they could be. They are fine in a work capacity but not so good when it comes to looking at my future. I am praying that God would show me where he wants me for now.

Voulez vous manger avec nous?

2005-11-02T22:58:00.000Z

Would you like to eat with us? Now that's not something I turn down every day! I was asked today by the MD where I am temping if I would like to join them for their Christmas do, in Paris!!! Hard one, hey. I have been temping there for 6 days so I am already part of the close knit team (total of 5 of us...) We are all going for a Chinese next week so it is a bit of a novelty to be included in things. I am enjoying this temporary assignment as I get to do some interesting things and everyone is grateful for what I do (believe me that is a rarity!) The culture of the company is work hard and play even harder so this is a whole new concept to try to understand. Nobody has asked me the children question yet, but I know that it will happen. The good news is that all my colleagues are men so it is less likely. The bad, well, I was asked today what were my views on "girlie" calendars at work were. Thank goodness for my HR background where stock answer number 377 came to mind. It is indirect sexual discrimination... I don't think that was the answer anyone was expecting.

Wonder what will happen tomorrow.

A life of contrast

2005-11-01T00:06:00.000Z

Am trying hard to lighten my blogs by animation but unfortunately I have not mastered the art in the time available...

Yesterday, I went to church twice. Not to be seen as doing the right thing, not out of obligation but out of a sense that I needed and wanted to go. At church, there is the freedom and the gentleness (usually!) to be yourself without having to struggle on. I do find it such a contrast to the world outside. As it nears 6 months since Daniel died many people don't know how to respond to the grief which we still carry. For some, the risk in trying to get close to us is too much, our burden too intense and we are too difficult to deal with (it's been said...) We wish too that we had the answers to this but it is just a process which has to be gone through. I am grateful to many of you who have helped wipe my tears and listen as the floodgates of grief burst open. I still believe that God knew what he was doing when he made Daniel and that he knew when he should have him back. Kevin and I do remember the good times but as Christmas and what would have been Daniel's second birthday dawns, we accept that we won't be much fun to be around just then. Daniel has changed us and given many precious things in his short life with us.

Today we went to the Cinema to see Wallace and Gromit which we liked. A gentle comedy requiring no concentration - right up my street and we went for a eat as much as you can Chinese beforehand. Feel lovely and relaxed and it is only Monday!!

Tomorrow I am back at my writing course and will get the results of my chair masterpiece. I am looking foward to going although it will be a huge wrench to get me there. One of my former Doctors said to me that human beings were designed to hibernate and I really do feel the urge...

I am getting some very positivie feedback on my temporary assignment and hope to bring you some more news shortly.

Sleep

2005-10-30T00:16:00.000Z

I need sleep! Fortunately, the clocks go back so I get an extra hour and believe me I need it…
Today, we went to Basildon where I have picked up my new state of the art hearing aid – at last! Whilst it cost me several arms and even more legs, I feel pleased that I am able to hear things that previously I’ve missed. Even though the NHS had provided a new digital one, whenever the phone rang I got a feedback type of echo which I don’t get with my new one – yay! From a vanity point of view I can have different hair styles… Not sure what I’ll do now – any suggestions (nice ones please…)
On a bit of a high I managed to sneak an hours shopping before persuading poor Kevin that the shops at Lakeside are so much more superior. Bless him, he was then coerced into driving me there. He had to buy some clothes so he did need to go too (but not as much as I did!)
We got back home exhausted and I had a few zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
I am temping next week at the same place which is good news. Not sure yet, whether this is likely to lead to anything else.

Little steps...

2005-10-26T22:52:00.000Z

Today when I went into the temp assignment where I was working my new Boss aked me if I was looking for a permanent job... Who knows where this will lead? I'll keep you posted.

Not according to plan...

2005-10-25T20:00:00.000Z

I have started temping again today at a local company for local people!! I am working in the West End - only Chelmsford. I had a flurry of phonecalls yesterday so today I found myself contemplating another new beginning. Within an hour of starting, I felt at home and reasonably relaxed. I am not doing anything awe inspiring but it is interesting to see how different you can be treated in dissimilar environments. Amazing. I don't know how long I am likely to be there for but even doing the most menial tasks am happy to make a difference. I see this as a parallel to the Christian Life. In temping, you never know how long your assignment is for, what the job description actually says, and the difference you can make by doing even the smallest of things. I have noticed that sometimes even the teeniest tiniest bit of co-operation can go a long way. See where I'm going with this? Due to the problems that I have had with the honesty of Recruitment Consultants (think Estate Agents with even less moral fibre!!!) I need to find work on a more long standing basis.

So for now the Christmas cake is on hold...

A good spend of time...

2005-10-23T23:50:00.000Z

I am feeling much better than last week but I don't have any temporary work lined up as yet. Just by the end of the week, I was crawling the walls. Before Daniel, I immersed myself in work so didn't really develop many hobbies and when he came along even less so... Blogging counts, I know!

Shopping used to be a favourite passtime but it has lost its sparkle for me - how sad is that?

Still, feeling positive I thought that I would start scrapbooking all my Daniel photos. Unfortunately, my printer has decided not to co-operate and in an act of rebellion refuses to give me anything that resembles decent picture quality - it's mainly all lines. Boo hiss! It used to work...

II just need to find myself something to gainfully occupy me other than the cleaning, washing and ironing. At least now, the TV has been fixed so we can access all digital channels. I have recently found Premier radio too so am not going to completely vegetate.

I have done crosswords, sudoki, read a number of books and magazines, even done some writing but fulfillment still currently eludes me...

I suppose now would be the time to immerse myself in trivia and try to memorise things. Whilst, I can tell you really stupid things like what I wore on my first date with Kevin (!) my powers of recall for shorter term things just slip my mind. Perhaps I need to try it to get my brain in practice...

I have some good DVDs and whole shelves of books that I can read. I might even make a Christmas cake!!!

Normal

2005-10-19T23:40:00.000Z

Yes, I am striving for a level of normality when everything seems to overpower me at the moment!

I was supposed to have a temp assignment this week. There have been a number of problems with it and now I'm home feeling a bit poorly so have had to stop working this week. Believe it or not this was an answer to prayer!! It is hard to keep motivated sometimes and this is one of those times. I am having a bit of a rest to rid myself of all my germ.s

Thought that I would "chill" out and watch/listen to our new digital TV service which packed up today...

I will probably do a spot of writing as it least it will keep me out of trouble. My writing assignment was ok and the Tutor is looking at them over half term. Today, I also received a copy of the article that I wrote in a local Downs Syndrome magazine about Daniel.

I also went to the Job Centre again today and I am treated sympathetically and with respect. They recognise that I am genuinely looking for work so that helps.

Definitely feeling better than at the beginning of the week - yay!

Elim Ladies Day

2005-10-15T23:53:00.000Z

This is the 3rd year running I have been to this Ladies event at Elim and every year the standard is so high I keep thinking it can't be bettered but somehow it is.

I got a lot from it particularly the first seminar by Margaret Peat - Sitting on the Father's knee. Something that I found very powerful was the poem used in this seminar entitled the Father's Love letter. It basically uses biblical references to show how and how much God loves us. We paired up and divided the poem in two reading half to our partner and vice versa. It made my hair stand on end... I did feel absolutely treasured and it was one of those moments in your Christian life which you know will stay with you for a long time.

In the afternoon Maria French did some wonderful dancing and then I joined in... It reminded me of an aerobic class where all the class is going in one direction and muggins here is going in another. It did make me laugh and I know that my gifting is not in my feet!! Still, I was grateful to be able to dance before the Lord no matter what it looked like. Since losing Daniel it has never seemed right to dance in church before so it was as if this stronghold has been broken.

I was absolutely shattered at the end of the day and caught the bus to go home. Problem number one - 1st bus took one look at me and refused to stop!! It wasn't even full but the driver didn't see me. When I got on the 2nd bus, I got distracted and overran my stop (by 2!!) I then had a good 40 minute walk over grass and an uneven path to get home. Feeling totally worn out now, I looked at the post and had received a letter in connection with Daniel as well as confirmation of my temp assignment with a lower rate of pay quoted than agreed. My feel good factor evaporated incredibly quickly. I have now prayed for protection for all attendees of today's event against any type of spiritual sabotage.

Oh yes, each of us got a goodie bag and I felt like a schoolgirl again opening the free gifts that go with her comic. These were excellent and thoughtfully prepared.

Tomorrow, I have to do an assignment for college. I have to write up to 1500 words on a story which includes a chair...

Well, I have to catch some sleep now.

Night night.

Pinball machine

2005-10-14T16:17:00.000Z

Does anyone remember the pin ball machines normally in arcades at the seaside? Well, I feel that I am trapped in one! I thought naively that the 3 days off I had this week would be a semi-rest by organising things done, going to appointments etc. Only one of the appointments I have made has gone according to plan so I am feeling rather wrung out being bounced from pillar to post...

Things are looking up as I have temp work lined up for all next week in Shenfield. I am often asked about why I don't get a permanent job. My main reason for this is I need the flexibility rather than take a permanent job which I am tied to. I am still unsure what to do now as I no longer want a career in Personnel and practically do not feel that I would want to return to a hospice environment. So I am having new experiences each time I get a different assignment, learning different skills and sampling different types of organisational culture. It is the ultimate in paid work experience!!

When I went to the Job Centre this week, the absolute contrast to how they treated me previously could not be any greater. This time they were sensitive to my circumstances and fully understood my reasons for temping. They went out of their way to be helpful and I have even been given the direct dial number of my contact there which is a first and nothing short of a miracle...

It is hard to come back from holiday because even though you know Daniel isn't here you forget momentarily and it is almost like an emotional mugging because it comes from nowhere without any warning.

I am pleased to be going to the Ladies day tomorrow at church as it looks like a great informative day.

Oh and I did 265 bounces on my trampette this morning - another personal best.

:-)

Back in Blighty...

2005-10-11T23:07:00.000Z

Had to get up at 4:30 a.m to catch the return flight today and am rushing around. I even went to Evening Class tonight and had to concentrate for a whole 2 hours - believe me that was tough nearly a personal best... Although I am not working this week I seem to be busier than ever(!!)

I also made the mistake of standing on the scales - HUGE mistake!! I shall have to bounce for Britain on the trampoline tomorrow. Shame I can't do the ironing at the same time. Oh well, never mind...

La France est fermé

2005-10-04T17:59:00.000Z

France is shut... Well, it is today! There is a 24 hour strike which covers the air traffic controllers and means that we are not going anywhere today. Instead we will have to get up at 3:30 a.m tomorrow to catch a flight for a different airport - Zut alors! Not what we had hoped for but at least we still get to have our holiday. We didn't want to start change our options too much as the cost of our tickets were £1 each... I hope that this holiday I will be able to drive in France which will be a huge challenge (I don't like driving) so driving in a foreign land will be an immense achievement. Other than that it will be a relaxing break, drinking fine wines and having the odd stroll around.

See you soon.

:-)

The tin box

2005-10-03T16:37:00.000Z

Today, it is 5 months to the day when Daniel died. We are supposed to be packing for our next jaunt to France only tomorrow but we don't really feel like it. We dropped into the Undertakers and brought Daniel's ashes home in a golden colour tin which is hermatically sealed. It seems hard to reconcile that our vibrant, cheeky boy will never reappear on earth. That's final. Just when I think that I can cope, my eyes seem to take on a life of their own and want to be awarded a medal for the most tears they can shed in the least amount of time...

Yesterday, I managed two whole church services without a tear!!!! In the evening we went to Hammersmith and we ddrove near Great Ormond Street. It is amazing how powerful these memories can be. I met up with a number of people from my old church who haven't seen us for about 8 years. The news had travelled...
I just feel that whenever I walk into a room there is a hush that is almost deafening. It is so hard for people as they don't know how to respond to me. When I began asking questions people felt apologetic that they had children. One friend said that she didn't like to talk about her children in front of me. It is always going to be difficult but I don't begrudge anyone having children. One of the things that I have valued the most is those people who accept that some days I am going to be "down" but try to engage me in conversation about normal stuff. There will be triggers reminding me of painful or happier times but we cannot hide from these things. Sometimes it may be the most innocent things that rekindle precious memories. It is important to be able to see what is happening to others even the grotty stuff. A friend said to me recently that she didn't want to bother me with something but I don't want to be trapped inside this prison of grief being completely oblivious to anything else.

Really glad that we are going away again and it is a good time to get away. I hope to temp again upon our return.

It's a mystery

2005-09-30T21:31:00.000Z

I haven't been working this week but yesterday just before the Ladies Meeting I got a call from a recuitment agency pleading with me to help them out of a spot. Could I work asap until the end of today? Whilst it wasn't wasn't convenient I thought ok, it would fund my shopping habit...I still went to the Ladies Meeting at church and knew that when I got home there would be details of my temp assignment on email as I hadn't had the time to discuss it. It made me think (!?) and questioned my obedience. I am prepared to accept an assignment, not knowing where it is, what the company is like, my hours etc from someone that I don't know very well. Why am I prepared to do this when with God I want him to tell me as many details as possible? I even trust him more! One of my friends always used to say "let go and let God..." definitely something in that. I am excited as I am at the crossroads careerwise and know that if I am willing God could give me an assignment that I might never pick but that I am able to undertake. Watch this space...

Writer’s Block

2005-09-27T22:42:00.000Z

Tonight I attended my first writing lesson at evening class. It required every fibre of my concentration (!) just as well I have nothing demanding lined up for tomorrow. We each had to write about a character and read out our best efforts in front of the group. Nerve-racking or what! I was really doing well concentrating on what the other class members were reading when a very familiar storyline emerged. One of the stories was about a Mother taking her very sick child to the Doctor with a fever overwhelmed with anxiety about the survival of her child. At this point, I was contemplating stuffing my fingers in my ears but felt that this could be misinterpreted… Still, I know that I ‘ll get things out of this course but would prefer not to be reminded of anything.

Still, I had a successful days shopping. I spent hundreds of pounds (true!) on a ………………………………….hearing aid. I am currently wearing the NHS one style suits all variety and am now digital. Apparently it is better that I wear one in each ear to get surround sound, perhaps I would like to do that. Perhaps not! Although my hearing has remained static for the last couple of years, I am more aware that I am missing out on things (like conversation…) One of the funniest misunderstandings was when I was talking to a former boss, a HR Manager. He was adamant, he said, that he would “crack down on latex in the office” . You can imagine what my poor little overworked imagination made of this. Believe me, if there was latex in the office I would have spotted it. I gave him a bit of a bemused smile and let him continue. What he actually said was lateness! Shame, it would have been a unique corporate uniform! I take delivery of my “appareil acoustique” in a couple of weeks following our next jaunt en France. I really hope that this will make a significant difference to the quality of hearing that I have.

Going back to France will hopefully loosen up my sluggish command of the French language. Some great occasions when English would not do:

Explaining to the Tunisian technician in our hotel that my travel iron had fused all the lights (it was on the wrong setting, but I couldn’t explain that!!)

Kevin and I got locked in a castle and I had to explain that we were the only ones in the castle. Eventually my damsel In distress limited vocabulary saved the day.

Interestingly enough in Tunisia, none of the european women would be served at a bar. Only when I asserted myself in French were we successful.

When we were last in France one of the walks that we did we came across a Goatswoman herding her flock. No problem, but unfortunately we had a little four legged friend who seemed to have adopted us during our walk and I wasn’t sure how s/he would react to the goats. Did look very interesting. I had to explain that it wasn’t our dog…

Facing up

2005-09-26T22:19:00.000Z

Today I went to St John's and was feeling very smug with myself that my little grief gremlins seemed to be having a day off. Daniel died there so it is always going to be an emotional place. People do not say that pride comes before a fall for nothing...

I had to go to a department that I had taken Daniel to and after a 15-minute wait my bottom lip was most definitely quivering and my eyes became the self cleansing variety spontaneously.

I decided that I would visit the Community Nurses to give them some items which I thought would be helpful rather than just throwing away. Their office shares the same access as Sunshine Ward, the Children's ward and a Consultant paediatrician who didn't recognise me let me in because in his words "you look like a Mum". My new self-cleansing eyes went into overdrive and I looked like the Gazza Spitting Image puppet. It was good to see the nurses again, we did despite everything have some laughs during the 15 months in which they supported us as a family. They got to know me really well, so our previous parting had been rather sudden.

I also bump into the cleaners on Sunshine Ward who remember me and ask me how I am then huge deafening silence.

Heading back to the car, my emotions felt all over the place when I hear a tap tap tap. God is good, he provided me with a cheery face, none other than Helen Tween, to help restore my emotional equilibrium. Shopping also helped!!

Tonight I met up with a friend and saw Pride and Prejudice which has smouldering performances with Orlando Bloom and Keira Knightley. A must view for all girls. It warmed my heart...

Wonder what tomorrow will bring.

A different kind of week

2005-09-25T23:05:00.000Z

Still feeling very relaxed after our break away (despite the ironing mountain...) I believe clothes breed overnight! Today is our 12th Wedding anniversary and we spent the day at the Battlesbridge Car Show. It was great to amble around in the sunshine looking at some beautiful cars. I couldn't believe it but one proud owner shared the fact that it took £28000 in one year to restore his car. Ok it did look good but that's more than I have ever earned in a year!!
We went out for a meal tonight to an Italian Restaurant so are feeling very content and full...

Kevin goes back to work but I don't have any temp work lined up. I have chosen this week to get a number of things done which have been bugging me so I have a list nearly the size of an A4 sheet to finish this week. It will be weird not working, I have already slotted into the groove. I go to St Johns tomorrow just for something routine and it will be strange not to go to Sunshine Ward.

I start my writing course at college on Tuesday night. Whilst I am looking forward to it, I have already missed one session and it looks like I will miss at least 2 more. I just hope that I can catch up whatever I miss.

During this week, I am also going to see if I can beat my personal best on the exercise front of 220 bounces on my trampette... To clarify, I don't do exercise really (apart from the verbal kind...) so feel that I should point out that the walks in France were 4 miles each as I could never do 24 miles not even in an entire lifetime.

Je suis revenue

2005-09-24T00:13:00.000Z

I hope this means I've returned. Just a quick blog to say we have had a relaxing few days away en France. It has been good to get away and France normally reaches the parts that most others do not know exists...

I feel virtuous as I have stood on my scales since I have been home and didn't put on any weight!!! We did 2 4 mile walks which is my annual exercise intake...

Good to be back.

:-)

Battleweary…

2005-09-13T22:34:00.000Z

I had a really difficult week last week which culminated in me deciding not to continue my temporary assignment with the Fire Brigade when my contract expires a week on Friday. This Friday will be my last day. I am hugely disappointed but feel that it is not the right assignment for me at this time. I had hoped for good things to come from this so it has been an agonizing decision. However, I am trusting God on this and know that he has something for me I just don’t know what it is yet.

My computer and I are barely on speaking terms. It took me 5 hours to compose an article about Daniel for a Downs Syndrome magazine. I emailed it and then it crashed later. This happened on Sunday so I was feeling a bit ticked off to say the least when I arrived at Church. And then the Sermon – WOW!! I agree with Pat’s comments on her blog when she talks about how good Mike’s series on Faith was. What a finale! His last sermon nearly blew my socks off… It was one of those sermons that had my name written all over it and the tide of tears could not be stemmed. 3 soggy hankies, 2 coffees and a chocolate muffin later (very important…) I was feeling more composed. I needed to hear what was preached but it was so painful. I knew early on in the sermon that I would struggle but have come to the conclusion that even if I disintegrate totally in a service, despite this huge outpouring of emotion, God wants me to be open to what he has to say. Easier said than done, when my eyes keep leaking and my heart repeatedly splintering.

Mike referred to Abraham and Sarah in the Old Testament and how Abraham was faithful listening to God, prepared to sacrifice his Son, Isaac. A couple of weeks before Daniel died, God placed Abraham and Isaac on my heart. I would look adoringly at Daniel when he was asleep last thing at night (they all look so peaceful and that butter wouldn’t melt in their mouth!) and I would marvel at the depth of my love for him irrespective of all the health concerns he faced. I was bowled over by the sheer magnitude of a Mother’s love for her child. I know that God loves me more. However, I kept thinking about Abraham’s faith and the absolute trust he placed in his Heavenly Father being prepared to obey God and sacrifice his child. At that time, I felt really challenged by this and wondered if I would ever have such a strong faith and could do the same. Deeply challenging. Daniel’s death is the biggest and most difficult test of my faith I have ever faced but one, which will refine me. I have the absolute conviction that God will use this and that my faith from this point has to be deeper. I feel enriched from being Daniel’s Mum. I am reminded of Philippians 3 v 7:

“I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things.”